Perspective Preference

Time and tide passes, and life gets dull as a duster. the soul gets tired. and you live day by day, fueled with adrenaline rushing in the veins, until it runs out. and you ask yourself;

 ' until when?'

and personally, the hurdle gets tougher, as another posting is finished. not because another posting has successfully(read; barely)  been put aside, but the realisation on the fact that housemanship is about to finish, and the burden of another phase of life is at the edge.
and generally speaking. to a point in life in doing things that we are doing now, we keep questioning, why should you go on, until when? and the most important thing, is it worth it? and what follows is the constant doubting and the endless negativity that starts feeding on the mind and soul, that finally results in the reduction of productivity of our work. to a point, some might even lose the relevance of their presence.

in the process of trying to not let ourselves get consumed , what normal people do is try to look for how to overcome this problem. some seek for help. sometimes the simplest form of help would just to voice out the bottled up problem. and after doing so, we'd  realise, there are actually bigger problems to worry about. seems like venting is the easiest and fastest way to voice out the complains and elaborate on the downside of life. provided that you have a good listener



but sometimes it doest work right?? before you ever start thinking that its the end of the world, remember, that its not the end of the world, yet. and coping mechanism exists in many forms. and the art of distracting ourselves may once again save ourselves from social dysfunction.  focus on what makes you happy. if it happens to be work, then you're in luck. but if not. youll realise that theres a whole bundle of joy awaiting for you on the other side. the grass is always greener on the other side right? Just. Do. and. soon youll realise, the problems youre having, may just be another day at work, another phase of life that will end shortly. and youre just there in the meantime while waiting to do what really makes you happy. And the best and ultimate coping mechanism, is always to go back to God. and there, you'll count the blessings and realise its actually more than you


but at certain times, problems arent about work. sometimes its a social issue, sometimes its more personal. and for such matter. its time to remember the most important thing.

* Yourself *
people can talk, people can tell, people can help. but what is more important is on the receiving end. how we respond to matters appropriately. and for this, the one thing that most people tend to forget is the one thing that keeps all great men( and women) to keep on doing what they are doing. and that is ,

PERSPECTIVE.

the ability to take a step back everytime we encounter a problem, and to think for the best solution to the problem, instead of approaching it as a reflex. and sometimes the reflex respond of a human being could result in inappropriate anger, unnecessary violence, and impeccable mistakes. so often we tend to do what we want instead of what we're supposed to do.

So what are we supposed to do? its a tricky question with a variety of answers.i guess ill just head to an example before summing things up.

sometimes people talk to you in a high pitched voice, not because they're angry, but they just have been bottling up things for too long. some may respond with a higher pitch and would further leads to a more intense situation. instead, things may be handled better if we respond in a lower pitch voice, or even just being quiet

Guess at this point,. i found mine.

a lot of things can happen to us in a day, and some part of it is beyond our control. For that, sometimes we start cursing God for what has happened and start cursing ourselves for being imperfect for not being able to handle the situation . And we forgot that there is no use of worrying about things that we cannot change. we also forgot how our imperfections is a form of blessing to us.

being humans, its in the core of imperfection as its a form of God to keep remind us that theres always room for improvement, and always, its a way of God to remind us of Him. for us to constantly have that sense of belonging towards Him. to go to Him at times get rough and not stumble beneath the earth.

work can be stressful during the stretch hours of work in addition to the unnecessary demands from patients that irritates you. suddenly you remember, how youre actually taking the gifts that God gave you for granted. and one of them is the gift of health; of how youre at the end of the bed treating the patient, instead of being on the bed, being sick on wonder if youre actually ever gonna be healthy again. Or how youre still able to walk and run around the wards and do things that is beneficial to other people instead of sitting and depend on other's mercy.  yes its hard. but with hardship is how you're molded to become a better person

So for everything that is happening that made you wanna stop or do inappropriate things
take a deep breath
see things as things they should be instead of how you want it to be.
be a good listener
be happy for what you are doing.
and always remember
theres always a greater purpose in life beyond just the satisfaction of our own life.
and the greater purpose of life is something that is for God to decide,
and for us to trust the process.

i know sometimes that the greater purpose is something beyond our comprehension that puts us in a disbelieve position.  but i guess that is what differs us as humans with God. there are limits to what we can understand but when the time comes, you'd thank God for doing his work, and you'll thank your self for being patient enough to withstand everything prior. :)



a wise person once said ,-

"so when i see people who have had success, i see boredom for the most part in them, And i see a tombstone. Circling back to what trophies and those things represent,
Richard Feyman, a great physicist, said that the nobel prize would be the tombstone on all great work.
Usually when you get what you thought you wanted , The fire goes away.
so if there's anything, jut find joy in what you do for the sake of it.
and then recognize how you're being shaped in the process
and hopefully youll become a better man through it."

this post is dedicated to those who are struggling in every possible way imaginable. in a way, this is also a way for me to vent and share what helped me through. thank you for reading till the end. 

i pray that in every hurdle of life that is happening to you, you will not give up and have the strength to continue, to strive, and most importantly, to trust the process and appreciate the little things in life. 

the anniversary

a year ago, i was young and dumb. a year later,

not that young, but still that dumb..

time seems to pass so fast, when youre too busy with work.as some would say it; 'i live at work, and sometimes i go home'. you go to work so early, and go back so late at night. all you can think of when you arrive home after work, was just to sleep because the next day is just hours away. and sometimes you cant sleep as soon as you reach, because you need to force yourself to eat knowing that the late prebed meal, was the only meal of the day you had and youre not sure when is your next meal on the next day.

in honour of a year of housemanship, allow  me to briefly, generally walk through the routines of the past 1 year. and hopefully put some sense on how other people's life is more greater valued than ourselves.

for starters, each departments have their own wards, and clinic. some departments have their operation theatre. As housemans, each places in the departments will require us to placed and rotated among ourselves in order to keep it running. and most of us will be stationed in the ward, where all the sickness and dramas are located. 

most of us starts the day with waking up feeling the relentless reluctant feeling to go to work. every day feels like a monday blues. arrival time at ward should be around 6-630am, some would need to go work as early as 4am to start doing works. the day starts with us reviewing the patients in ward, some are new patients who came in over the night, some are those who are already in the wards and we need to figure out how to solve the problems(read:diseases) and to allow the patient go home safely. youd be lucky enough if the only patient you need to review in the morning is less than 5. because at times, youd need to see more than 10 patients before your bossess arrive.

its like a 3 tier system. patients will be seen by the housemans, and then the medical officers, and then the specialist. these are the rankings of doctors in the wards that will see the patients. Ensuring Patients get the best treatments, and double/ triple checking to avoid any mistakes and avoid doing harm instead of good. 

usually the rounds will finish around 11am, and a lot of plans will usually be given to manage a patients during the so called morning rounds. these includes taking bloods that are seemed crucial to further heal the patient, referring to other departments for co-managing the patient. if indicated , to arrange for surgery or imaging that would require tedious process of the back and forth to the radio departments. Sometimes, managing patient's financial status would also be part of our job as healthcare workers. haha.most of this needs to be done before lunch hours as some of them are not available during lunch hours for obvious reasons. 

other than that, some patients are well enough and were allowed to be discharged and go home . and for these people. doing discharges and letters and other documents required may require some time. alot of time if theres a lot of other pending works. this also means, that when a patient is out of the ward, another will come in and hence the clerking process will start and we have to manage the new patients on top of the other things ive mentioned before. and after all of this is done, then only we are able to go back. black and white based, our working time is 7-5. but that is too absurd.

all of the daily routines doesnt seem that hard on paper. until suddenly a patient collapsed, unresponsive, or deteriorates drastically. and at times, it involves more than 1 patient at one time. and when things like this happens, it stalls your daily job, but still expects all job to be done within that certain time frame. and for the icing and cherry on top, the patient's family who tend to not understand our nature of work, and thinks what ever they knew from the internet just a few moments ago, is better than what the medical practitioners know.

and its been a year. the repetitive obstacle has become part of the nature of our work. and at one point, some of us grew tired, and the burning soul to learn and help humanity fades. why do we keep helping people but it makes us suffer? suffer from not having enough personal life, personal self care, and personal self respect. some would end up being so selfish and would push their work to other people so that they could go back on time. some would be more judging to new colleagues instead of teaching them.

as for me?
i try to keep reminding myself of the purpose of a greater good. its not easy.

bad things will keep on happening, and if not for the better version of yourself, guess its not gonna happen. And, i remember what a teacher once said to me during school

' good things, that do not oppose from what Allah has command, then it can never go wrong '
i interpreted it as that just keep doing the good things, no matter how tedious , no matter how small it is. sometimes its the little things that you do that matters most. we are where we are, doing what we do, its because this is how God has planned for us, and surely its for the benefit of us in ways that we find it hard to imagine. and when you realise it, you'd say to yourself, "i should have trusted God's Plan all these while"

and then. there are those people who still exist, those kind of people that prevails to keep being on the good side of work despite how terrible the surrounding is. And these people are mostly the seniors, some bosses and a few of them comes from the patients who can say thank you to us , just by doing our job. all the little things. that keeps us going, keeps reminding us that its not impossible to be good and to be nice, as i recall, being nice doesnt hurt anyone, except our ego.

i've seen how some of my bossess are just so nice, refuse to be consumed by the negative people around,  and thus  makes me wonder " maybe ill be like him later on. but how far should i tolerate " . It also makes me wonder " how did he/she manage to handle all the craps and negativity all this while", and ofcourse the answer is,

"as much as possible."

so in this blessed month, for the sake of not crumbling,
i hope that i could be a better person, to those who i care,
i hope that my patience is increased despite all the negativity that the world is throwing
i hope that my ego could be lowered and not let it consume me
i hope that when things go south, i wont let other people be affected by my feeble compromising side.
i hope that i could be a better doctor, a better colleague ,a better friend,
and most of all, a better person for my religion.

life is not going to get any easier, and as human, we will learn to adapt. and for that, no matter how bad the days are, or how terrible the day is, id remind myself that its just another day at work, and life goes on. take a deep breath, one step at a time, and carry forward. your life is always bigger than the petty problems youre facing now.

Happy Ramadhan to all my muslim brothers and sisters. may all of our works and deeds be rewarded. forgive my wrong doings. i know its a lot, but i hope its enough.

Priorities,

There is no such thing as 'too busy'. people make time for things that matter, things that are important to them.

priorities.,

at a point we start to wonder, which is which? how do we compensate one for another? and at the end which one do we commit our true self to. if broken into parts, do we follow the mind, or do we follow the heart?

living for more than a quarter of a decade, you start to look back through the years. all the things that we have done and what we have achieved. The good things, and especially the mistakes we made that makes us learn; life is not as simple as it was before. and through all these hardship, surely there are those people that exist that made it bearable for you to keep on going up to today.

and today, almost through medical posting, and it couldnt get any sentimental than this. i thought i could have avoided questioning myself this non answerable question,

 seems like fate brought the question to me instead.



Are we that feeble despite having all these greatness?



back in 2015, my late Opah was diagnosed to have end stage renal failure. seems like being the only one in the family with a medical background, this forced me to explain to the rest of the family member that there was no cure for it. and throughout my final year, she spent the remaining days in Hospital Selayang, the hospital that was dedicated for my faculty's final year student. and everytime i came to visit, she'd ask me when she can go back. and for some reason i cant answer it. and she'd end the conversation with phrases like ' takpa, nnt ali dah abes jadi belajar, jadi doktor, ali boleh la sembuhkan penyakit buah pinggang ni. ' and sometimes even deeper ' takpelah ali, kalau tak sempat sembuhkan opah, nanti sembuhkan la orang lain ye,.'
and things like this,  that make you realise, how feeble you are despite the ambition that youre trying to be. you are trying your best to do good, to help people heal, but you cant even help your own family.


and in my second month of medical posting, im posted into the nephro ward for 1 month. and here i see the similar case of my late Opah, but not just one person, the whole ward. i kind of said to myself, you had the guilt for not being able to save a person because previously you were still not a doctor, but can you do a difference now that youre not a student anymore?

so often i ask, will these hand do more harm than good? knowing that screw ups are always around the corner. living life at the edge, knowing a single slip up, a second late, could cost a life, sometimes wakes you up in the middle of the night. but i tried my best to atleast, not to do harm. and along the way, i see the nature of having a terminal disease and realise its not curable, but it can be curbed and controlled, provided that there is enough care. and most of the care does not come from the medication, but the social and family support. so often those with no family support will lose hope and crumble just because there is nobody to tell them , " its okay. you can do it ".


and for us doctors, being at the latter, patients will say that its easy for us to say so because we are not at the receiving end and we have nothing to lose. and apparently due to time constraint, we dont have the luxury of time to dwell much into that matter. doctors ARE, human too.


eversince day one of life, you were raised, supported from the 1st crawling steps until the day you decided to run. and decided to pursuit this dream. so many people gave up so many things so that you can be here. and of all people, you know that a repay with a simple thank you is never enough. 

how does this work benefits you, personally?  no matter how many lives you safe, none of them are going to be your family or those dear to you.you'll probably too busy saving someone else's parents or child while yours are actually at home, been taken care by other people. these are the people whom you said to them ' one day my turn will come to take care of them. for now, just let me settle with this job of mine for a while'


but deep down, its just us, prolonging the inevitable, and us, not micromanaging ourselves well enough to consider those who are dear to you. as we are settling our job, our parents grew older, the friends who we grew together, fades with time.its an unfair life, but its the only life we have. so maybe instead of waiting to settle one thing then move on to another, maybe we should rethink on our priority and start to consider one thing while doing another.

i guess that is what adult is all about?

Personally, for me, Hospital work is just another day at work. no matter how busy it is, you await till the moment its over, and to go outside, and feel alive. every morning you wake up early to go to work and you already start counting what time you will come back. Just so you can do things that you want, instead of what you need. Spend time more for family, spend more time with the ones you love. spend time more for God.

This, is a late birthday post. and this time, its not for me. its for those who relentlessly put me in their prayers, and beyond to ensure that my safekeeping in my journey. and most of all, its dedicated to my one and only Opah, the person who probably scolded me more than umi does. for the sole reason of making the best out of me. a person who gave all the little things she ever had, so that we would not suffer as how she did. and most importantly, for showing me how great a mother can be. Umi is probably beyond compare. and most of it comes from you. and for that, you are, on par.
My Prayers, are with you all always. and soon, My time.

i love you
i miss you.

happy belated birthday Opah.

Al Fatihah.

flips and turns of another turn around :)

its that time of the year again. where we move on from the comfort zone of a posting, and enter the new one with all the jetlags and hiccups of a checkpoint. All the dramas, fun and fails, are moments that for me, will stick in my mind and hence summarizes my 4 month journey.

the usuals, for every new postings, it starts with the usual jetlags of entering the new environment that usually follows by a transient adjustment disorder. especially after coming back from a long break. i wasnt that adapted to the new environment of treating adults, but i guess it will eventually come naturally on how to get use to treating people, regardless of the age. and as always, for every journey,  theres always the ups and downs that will surely make you realise that life can really go the other way around, and alongside, make you think on how to learn, from the most messed up situations. to make it short, i guess its best to go around and about the highlights of the ups and downs of the 4 months period.






so lets start somewhere thats down beneath.



as we started our tagging period, we started 3 days late from a few of first posters, who came in with quite of number of HOs that sums up the total tagging HOs to a total of 37 of us. and specifically for offtag requirements: the need to deliver 10 babies and assist in 5 caesarean sections.  and for those who just started as 1st posting, they are required to continue doing all this for 1 month, and others, only 2 weeks, provided you complete the task within the duration given. if not, you'll need to stay at the labour room until 10pm until the day you actually complete the tasks.

Doesnt seem to be that hard for me, until i actually realize, i was actually in a tight spot. having to be stationed at the ward instead of the labour room during the tagging period, makes it abit hard to go and do the deliveries of the babies as we are only allowed to go after finishing ward tasks / or after office hours.

so a little bit of introduction to the setting. the labour room has 8 rooms to deliver babies. and 2 operation theatres, of which only 1 that functions after office hours. and as of the tagging period, we are supposed to be at the labour room from 5pm to 10pm, with a little break in between. so you can imagine that after 5pm, that place is flooded with at least 38 house officers to deliver babies in addition to a few ( alot ) of midwife students who needs to conduct deliveries as part of their assessments.

provided that youre lucky, you will get the room and the patient is yours. if youre not lucky, the rooms might be 'booked' by someone, or your pregnant mother might be ' stolen ' from other people. and at other times, you waited for sooooo long to wait for the mother to deliver, and the mother end up needed to go to the operational theatre to deliver by surgical method.

as for me. my own journey starts a bit late. since my previous posting was paediatrics, i was abit slow in knowing what to do for the mothers in the labour room, and my comfort zone was with the delivered babies instead. prepping adrenalines and UAC sets seemed easier than fighting for a spot for the deliveries.

it seems i have a soft spot for babies

For most of my deliveries i had to stay up to 3 am just to get a baby delivered and then go back to work at 6.30am. usually ill end up staying till 7am the next day, if im not working on that day. while some people skips their work to go and catch all these deliveries, i do believe that all these requirements will come to you when the time comes, without the necessary hassle and stupid fights among colleagues. haha. your work is still work, you get paid for it and the responsibility as a doctor is there. but as a houseman your responsibility is towards your supervisor, logbook and tasks given. at the end of the day your sensible judgement and common sense will show others your true nature as things can get depressing and desperate at times.

And as a fallout for my so called poor judgements, instead of staying in the hospital from 630am to 1030pm for 2 weeks, my tagging period extended for 1 month for the unlucky days of empty labour rooms throughout the nights. i cant really blame that. because i dont really prefer to fight and scramble upon the room like mad peoples. A tiring one month that almost ended up with tears once i finished tagging. hahaha

the good thing of this posting in comparison to other postings : postcall breakfast :)

But on the other side of the coin, is the same fact that i entered this posting with a lot of people, of whom are going through the same things as i am. in other words, all the 30++ people were in the same stressful times together. hence it didnt seem that hard once i knew other people were struggling with the same thing. while others favoured on completing all of this requirements over their 'office hour works', some believed in the principle that we are working to function at wherever that we are stationed at, let it be in the clinic, in the wards.

Its nice to know that these sensible people still exists. Not to mention, all of us seemed to have more time to spend after hours together in comparison to all of our previous posting. sleepovers during tagging periods just to ensure we wake up at 3am to go to the labour room before starting work. and the environment of the labour room where you can do your jobs with the environment filled with colleagues everywhere. hence more time to nag and brag about all of the problems we face each day during work. haha

when you realize you can actually do sports after hours.

in addition to that, i was lucky enough to know that the surrounding peoples are reliable peoples. those whom once i only knew from whispers around, to those whom previously i worked with before. they made the unforeseen circumstances abit more predictive as most of them are seniors from other posting. Kudos to the specific someone, who made things a lot better in the rough situation, (thankyou :), a helping hand indeed.

Of course there are alot of other things that happened in between that made the journey a rocky ride. especially all the dramas toward the end of the posting. i assume history was 'almost written' ?? . But at the end of the day, i realise that a single good thing that happened seems enough to overthrow all the bad things that has happened during the 4 months in the posting.

I always tell myself, bad things will happen, but its how you manage it and see the silver lining through it that will build you for the long run. especially when other people put you in a rough situation. The take home message is to always remember, what can you do to make the situation better. If you cant do it now, then endure it for now, and make sure later in life, when you're at a point with the authority and power to make things better, you do it, or atleast you dont repeat the same mistake.

And i hope, with all this, it will, make me a better person. especially in the times of a new year, i realise it has been more than 8 months since a mere potato started the journey of a doctor. Time flies ( as well as my weight ),  and you realise, there is always something more to learn, and more chances to teach others what you have learnt.

no matter how great a day was, or how depressing or terrible a day may be,
always remember,
life goes on :)

 a little getaway at the end :)

unplugged,

its been a few months along the road,
so many things happened,
so many things to tell,
and apparently, so many asks,

Hows work?

i tried to simplify everything into a smile and reply
" it's work, what more can i say? "

and this, is what i was trying to simplify,

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i started the life of working from the life of anyone who finished studying. the thirst for adventure, the needs for financial stability, and also the absolute needs for the time to embrace laziness and everything that surrounds us. sounds abit here and there right? wait for it.

working starts with having myself being put in an ocean of crowd of strangers. and having only knowing 2 3 people, i guess it wasnt that bad. whats life without a little adventure right? And there goes a full week of briefings. nothing much to be said. it was just lik eclass, you go just for the attendence, hopefully to fill in the knowledge back in your room, back with your books.

the real deal starts when each one of us starting being posted to the respected departments. and i guess that is where all hell lets loose. but i always reminded myself, dont worry, this is just like during studying times. you just needed to get through it one day at a time. regardless of how you perform, in the end, its during the examination that you need to focus. i was partially right, and most of it was wrong.

i got posted into the paediatrics department. As part of the department's requirements, all taggers ( new comers ) must not have any oncalls for the 1st 2 weeks and must stay in the ward from 630 am to 10pm. adjusting to that took awhile. waking up knowing that you have to go to work, and unable to do what we want. i guess most working adults feel the same right?  coming to work not knowing anything is a struggle all new comers have to face i guess. 2 main things that made the day a struggle. 1. your lack of knowledge that have not been used for a while. 2. the constant struggle of knowing how to work in a new setting, whats the norm, the do's and dont.

For starters, i was never the brightest to begin with. As a slow learner, i learnt most of the thing after getting it wrong at the first attempt. And since there was alot to learn in one shot, things can get really messed up. This is where you get scolded for doing inappropriate things, slowing other people’s job, and making yourself a total fool infront of other people. Im pretty sure my friends must of felt the same thing as well. And for me, this was the one thing that hindered me from being a functioning person in the ward. It took awhile for me to figure out things. And things like this can be depressing sometime. Waking up knowing you have to go to work early because you are slow and need to be early in the ward to ensure you complete your job on time before the bosses arrive. and that constant need to be extra careful. because doing your job wrong, is worst than not doing your job. because when you screw up, youre gonna make other people's work disturbed too.



but at the end, it was all, manageable, and when i think about it. theres 2 main reasons.

1. Yourself. 
when you go into doing something that is very difficult to adjust,  how you approach it , with what kind of mindset, and with what principle you hold, plays a big role in adjusting. 

at first, i thought of approaching things as if you were a student. do things at your own capacity, and if you cant do it, usually you will drop it off, and your lecturer will tell you what to do, and perhaps hold your hand and do it for you. such childish mindse y that backlashed me hard, and probably my colleagues ( sorry for this ). so i had to remind myself ' youre actually working, this is not med school where your goal is exam papers, and end of semesters. you should stuck that into your mind and start working and know that everything you do are actually not affecting any exam, and theres no end of semester, and always, a life on the line. ' basically, its 'work'. 'just do your job' is the common phrase we all hear. suck it up, and grow up. 

the mindset that was needed for this kind of job is either you prep fully, or just go on with it. everyday you go to work knowing you'll do mistake, and get bombarded for that ( sometime its for the best of the patient, sometimes its just related to the human emotions rather than the patient themselves. LOL) emotionally disturbing as whatever you do seems so wrong all the time, and everything seems futile regardless of whatever you do. theres always more work to do, theres always more things to do,and theres always more lives on the line. things get hard when you wake up and say, ill make sure today i wont screw up anything and its gonna be a good day. but then you will screw up, and when things go straying from your expectation, depressions and adjustment disorder will start to kick in. But i think ever since med school, me and my friends had the other option to go. 

ITS JUST ANOTHER DAY.... you just do your best, try not to hurt anyone, be safe to your colleagues, and patients. and know you will get scolded. but hey, the day will end, and when it ends, you start again tomorrow. and surely,. with all the downside that happens on the day, youll learn something new. its either how to be a better doctor, a better surbodinate, a better friend, and most of all, a better person. and im fine knowing that even though the day gets rough, that 1% small thing as simple as a 'thank you' from a mother (because its impossible to get a thankyou from a baby . hahaha)  or a thought that ' hey, this baby is safe into his/her mothers hand now ' is enough. never set things too high, and be grateful with everything around you.

principle, is the one thing we should always stick to. we can never say which is right and which is not. but always. be safe, to the patients first. and be helpful.  sometimes people tend to do bad things to save themselves. but hey, its never wrong being nice right? then its not wrong to be nicer too i guess. just know the limit :) 

2. the surroundings
first and foremost, the department itself. the doctors are nice enough to tolerate your stupidity. up to certain levels only ofcourse. and some of them are even willing to do your job when things get out of hand instead of cursing you for being inefficient. probably the kind of doctor you look upon and say ' hey, one day i wanna be a nice doctor like them too' they respect your knowledge and some may even consider your plan during the wardrounds more than themselves. This department is led by the famous paediatrician, Amar Singh. he was probably the reason why many doctors pursued this field. seeing him made many people realised, its not impossible to be nice. its not impossible to run a department with a chill environment. and surely its never impossible not to shout and having a good principle throughout your career. i admire his knowledge in the diverse religion aspect, and mostly on his effort of spending time with each houseman to ask if theres anything to be done to improve the department, or the hospitals. and throughout his speech, the most important thing that i can quote from my session with him was,

' theres 3 things you should know about God, God loves you, God have always loved you, and God will always love you. so dont worry. bad things, good things, all happens just to prove this 3 thing, provided you can see it through  ' 

the other thing that i should be grateful of, is the colleagues. though theres some who just wanted to do their own stuff and get on with the day and move on to the next posting. others would spend time to support the newcomers like me. and i was in great need of it.

that is because, at most of the time in the posting, i was separated from my peers who came into the department alongside with me. we did started at the general ward together, but as time progresses, the flock went to the special care nursery ( the wards for baby ), they put me up to the clinic, and by the time i got posted to the same place as them, they were already working at a fast pace than me. as i was only catching up, we were all transferred to another place, they were all transferred to Peadiactric ICU (PICU), and i was sent to oncology, the place where we only have 2 housemans to cater for everything. after i finished my oncology, i thought i got a chance to go to them to catch up, but i was sent to Neonatal ICU (NICU). and as they were posted into the NICU, i was sent to PICU. so most of the time i was paired with seniors of the postings, or those who had been into other postings. and they teached me alot. thankyou everyone :)

to wrap things up, i actually enjoyed the posting. not because i like babies or kids, but rather the fact that the environment there was stimulating, and surely is admirable. eventhough the sleepless 30 hours oncall , most of the time ill go back with a smile knowing you delivered your job as intended. and ofcourse its tiring, but seeing other people who are as tired as you are, but still manage to get the job done, makes you realize, there is always room for improvement. 

There were also outside the wards activity that i managed to participate in. i enjoyed joining the dinner performance, although it was a messy performance. and on the last day of my paediatric days, we, the underdogs, won the annual futsal tournament from what was seem to be impossible. and to top it all, a farewell gathering for Dr Khadijah for her retirement, that coincidentally happens to be on my last day. what more can i ask for a last day? :)

SO..

what did i learn?

i learned that its not about being good, its about being better,

its not about being nice, its about being nicer

i also see the struggle of the parents, mostly mothers, on how resilient they are in fighting for their child. ( Allah bless all mothers, especially you Umi. )

a phrase that captured my attention during the farewell :)

surely is a great way to start. and i hope its enough to get me through all the other postings. to learn and to work, to survive and to prevail. i guess that is what work is all about right? 

2018, still alive and kickin..

its been more than 10 years since i wrote my first post ,( including the previous blog, you can refer to my first post on this blog for further reference) Many of those who started out with me, possibly found other meaningful things to do and other commitment in life and decided to stop. Here i am still hanging on. I hope i dont stop writing. Despite the busy life we keep on having as we grow older, i kept a promise to myself that i would atleast write something on my birthday.

Birthdays; what seems like a loop in the circle of life,  but is actually just a path in any journey with a beginning, the complex journey in the middle, and a certain ending. a date is certainly a reminder for you to ask yourself, " what has changed from this year and the previous ones?? what have you done better than last year??" and thank God, i could really see the difference between last year's and this year's 23rd february.

last year's 23rd february was probably the typical year of what any undergraduate student would be busy doing; studying and hoping to do great during exams so we could move on to the next chapter of our life. so often, pushing into our subconscious that same thing over and over again. "you can do it" "just a little more" "5 years of struggle is hard enough, dont make it 6" and after all the dramas and with a little bit of sheer luck, passing the last exam was an emotional one. thoughts were racing in my head at that time,

"for 5 years i told my self, just a little more , and now i have to stop telling my self to push harder?"

"before i entered medical school i said that id need to renew my driving license after graduating, and so the time has come. hahah"

some of the many thoughts. and of course the right way is to keep moving forward, and how does one really moves forward after being stagnant with the same thing for 5 years? some may consider of moving on to the next chapters of their lives(congrats lads!), some go on the hunt for money (wise..) and others just wants to layback and enjoy the moments where the previous 5 years refrained us from doing. As for me? well i opted to go for what a great doctor / lecturer once told me; " Who you know, is better than What you know ". Hence here i am, wondering to the great beyond, of places where i've never been, and picking up things where i left off .

i never had the luxury of travelling pompously, but i guess God has a better plan for me. With some luck i got accepted to handle programs with regards to students from japan. Little do people know ever since i was a child, japan was one of the places i wanted to go, and the japanese people were among the people i wanted to talk to. since i was small Umi's brief experience in Japan made me so hooked up to that place and people. Ive been through the 1st batch in my last post, now i guess its time for me to talk about the second group of students, and the last one.

i have to thank the first group of students for giving the proper heads up and necessary information about what they are about to face, and how to go around things in Malaysia. for these reasons, im guessing it makes me myself a little less shy ( i was a shy person during the first group.. sincerely)

as of for the second batch, they appointed me as the leader to help around with the tasks of what i thought would be similar to the 1st batch. In comparison to the 1st batch that we manage to do many things with a carefree mood and environment, the second one was more rigid and 'well organized' as the management have seen the flaws from the prior batch and they corrected it all in order to make the program more focused on academic and less of a tour de malaysia. One of the flaws pointed out was that we were too close with the students. i laughed out knowing this fact and wondered myself, ' how could being nice to someone, making the person feel comfortable is something wrong ?'

nevertheless, many more cants and donts that made it a bit more difficult to do things. but with the helps of the friends and helpful trainers, we manage to get away with it. with a little downside of course, and that is when so many things were already arranged for you, you get a bit carried away, and hence less time for yourself  with them, non-academically. But i am grateful for the peoples that i knew this time. all of them :)

(Abe chan, and Mei chan, with hijabs :)

My buddies , Mei chan, Abe chan, brilliant students, both quite the contrary, to the fact that one is the very shy one and the other is the all rounder for being the best and one of the those who talks a lot, makes it easy for other people to get along with her. and a plus point for her for being the best female soccer player ive seen. haha. Moeka Abe despite being a shy person i was happy that she could still follow me around to many places that i took her to, and thanks to Mei for dragging her hehe. and at certain times, she will also bring along her roomate, Sonoka, being my first buddies i tend to spend more time with them rather than the second buddies. and so many more places that i promised to bring you to, but did not manage to do so as time was not on our side. gomennasai ....

(day one, Sonoka beside me was very shy at this time, as well as the birthday girl, Abe chan >.<)

(the last day, last buddy session)

Mei chan, despite of your age, i see a very mature person with a high level of curiosity and with this, you can go far and the only advice i think anyone can give to you is to just keep on doing what you do :) :)

( the last day before changing partners, and buddies. Mei seems happy, haha )

Abe chan, people say you are shy, i just think that you are just in your comfortable zone. Perhaps its not a bad thing to be 'shy' as long as it doesnt stop you from achieving your goals in life. And at a certain point, i think you are the kind of person who CAN do that and i respect you in able to do so.  Please finish the book that i gave to you. hehe :D

(during the first day we were given a task, to take a picture with something funny. And Shima Sensei was very funny and was so easy going just like the students )

Personally, i enjoy spending time with those who finds difficulty in adjusting to the surrounding.
some said to me

"ali, why should you do all this? this is not part of the job"
"ali, our part is finished, if they need anything they should work it out on their own"

 I can see why some actually disagree with what i do, but I cant help but felt the calling and urgency to go and do more than needed just to make sure other people's life and job gets easier. As long as it doesnt hurt anyone, and i have the time and energy to slot in a few extra things to do, i guess i have no reasons to say no. and in the end, i find pleasure and satisfaction knowing i made somebody's day better just by a few extra effort done. and it helps knowing that there are those who shares the same opinion with me. one of the reasons why i enjoyed this work of which on paper, seems so unpleasant and at times, tiring. On the other hand, i know that this attitude makes us vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. but yeah, ill keep this in mind and ensure my limits in the future. hehe

(with the 1st and 2nd pairing for buddies. Ayae is trying her best not to cry :)

Along the way, Miho and Ayae chan happen to be my second buddies of which i figured i would have the same amount of time to splurge with them, apparently not. the little 2 weeks of time was never enough right?? they have things to do, i have things to do, and slotting time in between was somewhat, bearable. but i hope i served my purpose. i really want to spend more time academically, knowing how hard it is to learn english. as a person who has been exposed to english since 6 years old and yet still having difficulty now, i seem to be able to understand the struggle they face as most japanese people learnt english at a later stage of studying.

(As everyone was busy taking pictures, i was doing something for the lecturers, but she insisted on taking a picture. thank you Miho chan :)

 i hope after this Miho chan will no longer be the class's sleeping beauty and will practice more english inside class and outside class. :D

(the few moments of a simple session. Ayae chan, followed by Miho chan)

As for everyone's (especially Haziq's. hehe) dearest, Ayae chan, at times i know you say that learning english is difficult. but for me, positive attitude is always the key to make things easier. So keep smiling as usual, and keep on learning. your malaysian buddies will surely be happy to assist you any time, accordingly. :))

then, theres the PBL group of people, Kotaro, Momoka, Mina, Koharu, Honoka, and also Miho. they need to do a short project with a presentation and we ( me, Haziq and Dzahirul) were assigned to assist them as necessary. but they were so independent and so good that they made as if we were not doing our job. along the way of your presentation I manage to look upon all of you and felt the feeling of proud of being the buddies in charge of all of you :)

(the PBL group that did superbly!)

and a few person whom i figured worth mentioning are the boys, whom are very excited with sports as i am.  and the person whom i can always count on to help me out with the students, Saito Yu, as funny and friendly person she is, she is also a strong girl knowing how independent she is since that her parents are actually living in Malaysia and she lives in Japan, alone. but now she is on an exchange student program in Philippines. All the best and have fun over there :D and my warmest thoughts to everyone else, whom i think made me smiled and satisfied with the job that i did. too many to mention, but you all know who you are right? :)

(This is a video of one of the dance they did during the last day. And Yosuke was crazy enough to try a woman's clothes, even the owner was suprised. :)

(Saito Yu has the same shirt as me. haha)

(A picture with everyone as soon as they finished their first class in Japan, and i just woke up at this time. T.T)

and not to be forgotten ofcourse, i cant help to feel the feeling of missing those who came during the 1st group of students. everything we do and everywhere we go became so sentimental as it reminds us of all of you,. i hope you are all fine and doing well in your english exams as well as your part time jobs hehe. Japanese people are amazing, seeing how commited and how nice a person can be, should straight things out that there are good people out there and maybe during your working times people may not be as good as you wished they would, maybe we should be strong and better for the good people elsewhere :) 

( Some of them knew each other and are actually close friends. i hope i can see them all again together in the nearest future)

This program is a good way to start my 2018 as it straights up my perspective on how people of different religion can somehow be better than yourself, as a human being. So hopefully after this, being a person with Islam, we can add up what is not in us, and be a better person and not being the blame for what Islam is not. Lessons in life like this is hard to learn from books, as well as from the typical Malaysian surrounding. And for this, I am very, very thankful for the opportunity for the epiphany that i could get. i hope to see you again, in Malaysia, and as well as in Japan. hopefully seeing everyone at their hometown can provide me with a better epiphany in the future. Im looking forward for it. Arigatou, nihon jin, as well as the malays

Ja ne ? :)

P/S; Of course, the next part is the part where i had the chance to visit UK. next post perhaps. Recently ive been told that my posts are too long to read. sorry ^^,  and thank you for reading till the end.