2023 , 2024 , and beyond, we are all, Gaza

 As I sit down, and tried to login to this place, I almost forgot my password. The train of thoughts , and the engraved habit of putting the thoughts into words, seemingly fading as time goes by. 10 years ago, i always thought that it would be nice to actually try to focus on elaborating about myself, in a perspective that could be interesting rather than beneficial. but as time goes by, and as so many things unfolded in life, it was later on that I figured that it was better to focus on things around me instead. I guess that is what happens when we grow up right ? We move on to more important matters. And obviously, there are so. many. things. that matters more than ourselves.

So there's this thing that i have been carrying around since i was in school. And i solemnly believe that such things should not be left gone with the wind, time, nor tide. especially now. And that, is the issue with the middle east.

for those of who dont know, this issue has been something that has been ongoing since the early 1940's, and not just for the past few months. history unfolds how political schemes, leads to this land occupying slaughter process, and is still happening till this very day, this very moment. but hey, Im not here to teach history today. 

When i was in secondary school, my peers and seniors were relentlessly raising this Palestinian issues. and truth be told, it has not changed much. Back then it was "Jenin". Now its Gaza. people are still being banished from their motherland, children and pregnant women are still being killed without reasons ( as if there are any reasons in the world to include them in any part of the war ).

15 years ago, at the back of my mind, after knowing all this, i said to myself. I cant do much, but my prayers , and some other feeble efforts are always there for all my brothers and sisters of Palestine. hopefully few years later, with all of the efforts, it can play a role to assure this conflicts can be resolved.

How naïve was I?

here we are today. so many things are so obviously wrong. the killings, the trespassing, the utter disrespect shown to them, and the blatant ignorance shown by the people of the world was a question that i frequently ask myself. why and why. and as the 'why gets unanswered for so long, i realise the 'when' will be a question to have a later answer.

And as everything comes to a more obvious point, we realise how true the Holy Quran was not just about how the jews have since forever, been as mentioned from time to time, but also how true the pain and terror from the times of the prophet has been brought forward. 

however, with all this, Allah also mentioned in the Qur'an of all His plans and promises. and as how things are unfolding, some might question His plans. but definitely, the citizens of Gaza arent one of them. they believe in Allah's promise, the hereafter, the promised life beyond death. and those who dont fear death, and have nothing to lose, are probably the most dangerous people to make enemy of.  their firm believe is portrayed as how we see it. the unimaginable strength that keeps this one sided genocide going. 

which leaves us at the end, as someone who shares the same believes , what can we do? or should the question be: what Should we do?

so, if praying, donating, and spreading awareness is all we can do now, then praying, donating, and spreading awareness is what we MUST do. adn bear in mind, these prayers, donations, and spearding awareness, is not f or the people of Palestine, but more importantly, its for us. hoping that on the day of Judgement, when we are asked by Allah : what did you do when your brothers and sisters were oppressed ? and did you do all that you could do? - we have an answer for that.

and for what ever the reasons may be, lets hope that the reasons that we have today, are not just us showing intermittent concern, but rather long term understanding of the principle and values that we uphold. and for us to convey to next generation 

Im thankful for all the ups and downs of 2023. the year I literally venture to the unknown, and managed to get a grip in life. along the way , i encoutered so many good souls, that i can inspire me  to be a better person, and not forgetting, the bad examples, whom ,ive manage to learn so much and hopefully able to refrain from being so. with a roof over my ghead, a job that keeps me going for whom i love, the support of my family, my beloved wife, and the constant motivational cheerleeder of my bautiful boy, what more can i ask for.

Alhamdulillah. im truly grateful. but being grateful, is not jsut about how  we express to ALlah, but also how we affect the people around us, and how we can make this world a better place. I wish everyone a blessed year ahead. and hopefully we can be the change that the world needs for a better place, for a better Palestine.

Never forget, let it be 2023, 2024, 2025, and beyond,

'kulluna ghazzah'

( we are all, Gaza )

the foot note on my 30th birthday

 Assalamualaikum 

dear self, 

thank you for still spending the little time you have to keep this place alive after 16 years writing. though constantly you have always been in the midst of a new and a more profound responsibility.

dear Umi, 

thank you for still being here, probably my one and only avid reader. sorry for the lack of content in the last few years. its been hard to keep track what the heart and mind wants to write. too many things happens, so little time to react and to translate the true conjugation of the true perspective

and dear you ,

i hope by being here, you could be here with me on this wonderful time for a wonderful post. thank you in advance, and may Allah bless you all :)

*****

Ever since the global Covid pandemic started back in 2020, we were all hit hard and were forced to adapt in every aspect of our lives. from the smallest aspect of compulsory outdoor mask application and the everlasting Mysejahtera scans everywhere, to the awkwardness of  having strangers standing so close to us for no legit reason. im pretty sure that everyone has their own version of adaptation story. the ups, and mostly the downs that makes us realize that change is inevitable.

As for me, life's priority hierarchy was easy.it has always been family first, then realise that work is just work. and unfortunately, as 'peaceful' as Malaysia could be, the never ending drama of doctors are just a massive blackhole with no end. who to blame for newer generations of doctors, you're labelled as ' contract workers' with the same responsibility, more to lose, and lesser earning and career options.

PKRC MAEPS 2.0

and being the government, finding us contract doctors as exploitable and disposable, instead of pushing us to advance like any other doctors, they decided to keep us as the main frontliners to deal with the covid pandemic. hundreds of doctors were placed to take care of covid patients, more than 90% of them are contract doctors. if it was 5 years ago, a year of proper training makes a doctor more competent as you are facing with the all the variety of challenges. but everyday covid experience is no difference than being a factory operator, you are doing the same thing over and over again.

We have a short life, a very short life. With a lot of things that needs to be done. life doesnt pause as we wait for covid to go away.  Of course, politics are always the number 1 concern in any governing country. they are promising us things will get better when covid ends. but as we see, its not getting any better. and we are still questioning the same thing as we did since 3-4 years ago; will our rights finally be given? will the exploitation ever be banned ? 

This, and so many things regarding work has been bothering not only just me, but also my colleagues. btu at the end of the day, we have mouths to feed, a job to do, and an oath to fulfil. the ultimate oath that enforces us to do good to people that doesn't respect you, that thinks doctors are hoax and online content are a more suitable option.  we've become so low till the point that at the end of the day, we just hoped that we could get the job done, and dont harm anyone along the way.

Its a cruel and messy world. Jobs and growing up can be tough. but i always believe that a man becomes great when they can oversee beyond what is actually confronted upon them. and as i said, a job is just a job. get it done and focus on what is more important; the people that were there during your downs. friends and family

so during this covid pandemic, i got married to the woman that recently became the mother of my first born son. pregnancy is a journey that every mother will start with. and being a doctor, all these things are no stranger and its part of the work.

How wrong was i thinking that things could be the same when things happened to my self. as reality struck you realise things are different, and the surreal emotional that you never felt before engulfs you. and then you realise, how hard it must have been for our parents to actually do it from the day we were born until now. 

as for me, (alhamdulillah) Allah made the journey simplified. and i could not have ever be more grateful for what has happened. maybe some other time ill post on what really happened? 

at 8pm, on 6th March 2022, my beautiful wife, Nurul Nadiera, gave birth to a beautiful boy. and i witnessed how my wife, who used to be a stranger during undergrad study, a colleague during housemanship, a loving wife, and now she is also a caring mother. seeing how gracefully she has taken care of our Son made me realise,

that no matter how much i love my son, a mother's love will always be more beautiful and unparalleled,

that no matter how hard life is, family will always mean more than work

that as your family is growing  , so does your parents

so dear wife, im not sure will you be reading this or not. i will love you always, and thank you for teaching me so many things that i ralised i was wrong in  many ways. i dont have alot of women in my life, but im lucky enough to be surrounded by strong women such as you and our mother.

Dear Umi, thank you for everything, raising up 5 boys was never easy. but you did it, convincingly. i know you hide away your frustrations and tears so we dont see it. thank you for being the role mode, the ultimate mother that will always be beyond comparison

And finally, to my dear Son. Adam bin Ali Husaini. i hope one day you get to read this. i honestly thought you would be born earlier ( maybe on the same date as i was born). and ever since you were in your mother's womb, my prayers was for you to grow strong, healthy and will grow into a finer man than me. FYI, on the day you were born, you nearly scared me and your mother. but seeing you as how you are, despite all the drama of the day, i could not have wished for a better day. you are the best birthday gift that i could have asked for. everything was perfect. and, Indeed, we plan, and Allah plan, and He is definitely the best planner.

Its a cruel and a messy world. but surely your mother, and me, will love you more than we love ourselves, and strive beyond. so grow well, physically, emotionally, mentally, and most importantly, spiritually. have no fear. you are so loved by so many.

Primum non nocere ( Do no harm ), the irony.

 

Its been awhile. And I decided to dedicate the first post of this year to my fellow comrades, those who decided to keep pushing until justice is served , those who decided that our lives matter as much as those who came before us, and those whom we treat wholeheartedly.

 

The contract workers ( read:  the contract doctors )

 

Ever since long time ago, the core of every doctor’s principle from the day they they’re called ‘ Doctors ’, was implemented into the Hippocratic oath. The infamous well versed oath that highlighted that the main principle as a doctor during practice was not to treat, not to cure, but instead,

 

to do no harm. ( original latin word: Primum non nocere )

 

And this great principle has lead many of us to be so unselfishly willing to go beyond to do what is best to those in need of medical attention.

They were spoken about not to do harm to patients, and many have benefit from this principle. Unfortunately little did we noticed, how the flaw in this principle is that despite it prevents harm to patients, it has caused harm to us doctors, specifically speaking; contract doctors.

Where to begin? It’s a long standing issue that the ministry failed to address up to the point  the harm has been inflicted in so many ways. Here are some of them.

1. The inability to pursue further career for specialization

One of the main criteria in order to be accepted for post graduate study (to be able to attain the ‘doktor pakar’ level) is to be a permanent doctor. And it’s safe to say 30% of all the practicing doctors are now not eligible. And the numbers are rising.

2. The stagnant payment and rank progression

Government officers will have a steady inclination of rank within the hierarchy and with that, the raise in pay grade. But being a contract officer, your pay is stuck with whatever that was given in the contract. And instead of having the contracts being upgraded, they are just renewed annually until to a point the government decided that enough is enough and its time for you to go. I guess that is the nature of all contract workers? Of course there will never be a change to permanent status in the near time as some of our colleagues in the pharmacist’s and dental department had to go as their contract expires.

Not to mention the immediate termination of contract is always hanging upon us should we fail to deliver the task as a doctor, or a minor error is done. We have so much to lose, and so little to gain. But here we are, still trying our best, hoping to treat, and along the way, having to please unnecessary people.

3. The disgraceful discrimination

So often during practice, we encounter the kind of people who only sees the value of a person from what they see on paper rather than the person himself.

‘you pangkat apa? UD41? SAYA UD52 TAU! Saya nak cakap dengan UD52 sahaja. Saya nak UD52 sahaja yang rawat saya!’

People like this makes you realize how useless an ego to a person may be.

And of course, the discrimination among peers with different grades, but with similar working environment and job scope. How they thought just because we were born late and became a doctor later than them gives them the right to scrutinize and bully us. As naïve at it sounds, it’s hard to dismiss when the phrase keeps on echoing in our head everytime they speak as such:

‘u all kena ingat, u all ni contract je’

 

_____________________________________________________

 

But generally speaking, people don’t see how this affects the overall healthcare system. Because we are doing our job as doctors similar to the doctors given the permanent status. Except that we have more to lose than to gain during our daily jobs. And by doing our work mainly for the sake of our patients, we continue to keep on doing our works with little hope of having what is rightfully ours; a fair treatment among peers and ministry.

But that ends now, hopefully with this peaceful movement will shake up the authority to realize ignoring the rights of its doctors is WRONG. Some of us left the ministry knowing that there is no hope for future doctors. And then there are us, staying, hoping that in the near future something will change, and everyone gets the fair treatment.

And should this statement fail to trigger the ministry to do something practical rather than just whispers of false hope, surely there are more to come. This is nothing personal, this is for the future generations that deserves a better future, and for the patients to receive better care. And with this post, with this subtle movement, we hope that changes will come in the near future.

Being a doctor may be a dream to some people (or their parents). But the current reality is that is it has not been the most glamorous or most glorious job there is.  But rather a constant struggle with what you need to do, what you deserve, and what the patient needs. And usually it’s the latter. It’s a sad reality, a reality that reflects a worrying future. Hopefully this ends soon.

 

Here’s to a better healthcare system, for a brighter future.  

 

 

(flower was given by one of the Covid patients in the ward prior her departure. one of the little things that kept us going )

new year resolution: Lets break the barriers of disbelieve!!

 

How did we get from nowhere, to now-here?

well apparently

since we were small, we watched dragon ball and all sorts of TV shows expecting one thing : 2020 is the year where great things will happen. Perhaps there might even be flying cars and other amazing advancements in technology. And since we were little, we were looking forward to 2020, and hoping how our lives would change for the better.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), 2020 came and hit everyone right in the face unlike what we have expected all this while. COVID 19 hit us so hard and is still hitting us without giving anyone a proper answer on how to overcome it and all the problems that came along.

We thought there would be flying cars to allow ease of travelling and better means of transportation. Instead, even the aeroplanes that were already flying for the past century are not able to operate and we are still using the same modes of transportation, with less efficiency.

We thought that there would be better job opportunity and more job scopes. But sadly, it’s the opposite. Small time resellers and big companies relying on community marketing had to narrow down their business approach, turn over a new leaf, and worst, shut down

We thought that the education system would improve with a more practical approach and better interactions. Instead we are bound by video calls and feeble internet connections to provide the basic education for the future generations.

And personally, being the doctors of current generation, we expected there would be a solution to the nowadays doctors who are mistreated by society and also the ministry itself. They want us to pursue future studies. But they don’t allow us to do so as we are all now ‘contract’ workers working year to year basis. Our actions are very closely monitored and any action that doesn’t pleases the superiors ( such as petty complains from patients or non contract government workers ) will lead to termination. And during this covid pandemic, apparently all the contract doctors are the 80% frontliners as we are all ‘disposable’. The long term daily dose of COVID 19 management makes a dull mind and difficulty to maintain a standard practice and care that a doctor needs.

 

 

It’s a very sad and depressing times to every respective personnel regardless of their social status or income. And its not right to put a blame and start pointing fingers. So What do you do when you are unable to provide for your loved ones?? What happens to the future generations? Where is the just in the system? A year has gone by. And a hollow year it has been with no solutions.

But in the midst of all these piling mess, there is this one beautiful feature of being human that stands out. And that part is what allows us to be part of evolution. And that, is the ability to adapt.

We adapt and adjust accordingly to the new surrounding. The new harsh environment that teaches us to be better. And of course, everyone learns and adapt to different things, based on their surroundings. And this, is what ive learnt.

For starters, I was in a dilemma initially. After being transferred from Perak to Selangor, I was placed in a district hospital that I wasn’t expecting. Initially I was placing all my bets on a placement to the hospital next to my house and thinking that I planned everything correctly. And if everything goes according to plan, I could plan the next thing in life easily. Little did I knew, it was 2020, the year where you can’t expect everything to go according to your plan, and uncertainty will be certainly happening against your favour.

I was placed in a district hospital where the distance is the same if I drive home or I drive back to Ipoh. And by some chances, a few friends who got the same place as I did, managed to go to other hospitals nearer to their home.

 

That affected me in a way that I kept questioning, where is the silver lining in all of this?

And on my way home, driving through the long hour drive, I tuned up to this podcast of a person, who was not a figure well known by many, but the content that he elaborated are the things that I needed to hear at that current moment. Here are the top 3 lessons that I would like to share J

( yeah, not much of a podcast, but this youtube video is my reference)

1.    First and foremost: 

Its not about the person, its about the content. 

      Everyone has a story to tell, and everyone has a lesson to share, we just have to listen. Of course you’d be expecting a lot of great things coming from a great person. But sometimes, greater things come from people you least expect.

2.      2.  Be firm with what you want.

There are times where there are things that we do because we thought it would be good because of what other people said it is good, without them realising how difficult it is to achieve it. Like parents might say ‘ hey be a doctor, be an engineer, its good for your future ‘ And then there are those things that we cling on to because we are in dire need of finding that sense of belonging through that achievement. Like how nowadays ‘flex’ culture is terribly affecting us. And with all this it made us wonder, why nobody is asking us are we happy?

For that here’s a saying ive said before that is self explanatory;

so when i see people who have had success, i see boredom for the most part in them, and i see a tombstone. Circling back to what trophies and it represent,
Usually when you get what you thought you wanted , The fire goes away. So if there's anything, just find joy in what you do for the sake of it and then recognize how you're being shaped in the process and hopefully youll become a better man through it.

 

3.    3.    Be at peace with what you want .

And then there are times, you get frustrated along the way. You feel irritated and somehow angry doing things you thought you liked.

Remember,

 ‘that is the nature of love, it has a little bit of hate in it. And a little bit of pain as well’

 No matter how frustrated you are, or how much you hated a certain thing / someone, it still draws you back to it. And with that, you learn to appreciate more than you hate.

 

And after listening to this podcast time and time again, I realise theres more message that the speaker wished to enlighten to those who understands the indirect message that he is trying to convey. And to counclude all of this, and as I correlate the content to myself. I realised that all I ever wished for, is to spread the goodness in whatever form I could. And this c ould be achieved regardless of in which ever hospital I am. To those who knew me ( and those who don’t ) I can assure you that I am not the best in all the things I do. But it get easier and better, once I realise what is the greater goal, the end goal, and how it helps me in being a better person.

So what is this greater goal? I guess we’ll have to take it to another page of post. Most importantly after the repeated sessions of listening to the same thing. Im being reminded to be thankful for what I have, although the circumstances was as how I planned, it was exactly how Allah wanted it to happen. And I couldn’t be happier knowing that somehow, if He plans, then I should do my best with what I have now and leave the rest to Him.

 

 In a nutshell, we say goodbye to the harsh 2020, expecting harsher challenges ahead. And to prepare for it, the basic necessity to taking the first big step for 2021 is to find the correct solution, one step at a time. But this time, with the right mindset, . The right mind set to ' break ' the barriers of disbelieve, and help us go beyond. We should start believing in ourselves, and if we still fail to do so, believe that Allah put us where we are, is because He sees the ability for us to overcome it. Guess what is left is just to trust the process. His process.

 

So, to the lost and wondering souls and minds out there, i know you are struggling. dont worry, take a deep breath, and stop looking outside and beyond the horizon to find answers for the ongoing difficulties, sometimes the answer is best within the notion of looking inwards and self-reflect. I wish all of you who read up to this point, a blessed year ahead with a stronger mind, and bolder hearts. Take care, be safe.

Hello 2021 :) 

get. it . done. and. carry on. with. your. life

 

 

  Ok imagine this,

You work at a beautiful lake. And like any worker, you have an employer. And one fine day, the boss asked you to make a field garden in the middle of the lake. And being a good employee you start to build it as ordered. It wasn’t easy. It was time consuming, to a point seemed impossible to be done. Surely a lot of blood sweat and tears we’re used of course. And apparently, on the other edge of the lake, it seems like a lot of other employee are doing the same thing. Just making sure the soil and stones are properly placed so it is as how the boss wanted it to be. Everyone had the same thing to do, but apparently some thinks its too hard, and decided to quit and do something else. Some thinks that maybe if they help that fella to get his garden done, that person will help me out too? Apparently some are willing , some are not.

 

And after a few years, its finally done. Laid out beautifully. A garden full of flowers and plants. Some employee thought that a barren land would be suffice with no proper gardening. Some decided to use other people’s crops for the job. And some just decided, its best to do everything as instructed, and also do something else more, for the sake of self satisfaction.

 

And of course, the day ended as the employer evaluates all the garden. Satisfactory or not, later on he gave one final instruction: now build a house that suits you on top of the garden, and you will live there for the rest of your life, if permissible, the land should be good enough and large enough to build a dream house. If not, then the person will have to do some extra works to build up more space and build more house

 

Im guessing this explains housemanship in a nutshell.

It was the period of starting a career. It wasn’t an easy one. We sacrifice a lot, some barely manage to survive, some cruised through it without any problem. And some manage to put extra effort for the future that is obviously uncertain.

After completing housemanship, you thought you could take a deep breath and rest as the toughest period of your life has ended. But little did we know, its actually the toughest period in the career ‘ so far’ . a lot of other things that needs to be planned and more obstacles needed to be overcome. And apparently all the hardship for the past 2 years plus seemed so little in comparison to what lies beyond. All the hardship to survive, was actually just to build a foundation for the future career.

Some managed to go through it alone. Some realised, that its actually better to go through with other people along the way to assist and motivate you accordingly. regardless, the better the foundation, the more confident we are to face the future.

 

I spent 8 months in orthopaedic department, and along the way, I see so many flaws that everyone had, regardless of the age, seniority, or rank. But some of them decided to keep it low, stay humble and work as needed. While others feed on their ego and hope to rise higher than the height of their ego. As for me, I just want to do my work for the patient, while hoping to be improve myself along the way, both professionally and personally

And for that, I have to give credits to the bosses and dear colleagues that were along the way with me throughout the past 8 months. 

 

“ who you know is better than what you know ‘

 

This is a saying that I believe will help me now and in the future. Yes, the journey and the destination during a trip is important, but as some may forget, that the company along the way plays a very important role as well. and honestly ive learned from people more than i learn from books. 

 

And for this, I would like to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey. its good to know that there is always something to learn from people around you. From how they talk, how they react, and how they teach. But most importantly, is how they deal with unanticipated problems. I guess there always room to learn and improve as long as we don’t let our ego in the way.

 

I cant thank enough to everyone who has been there for me through my deepest fall into the pit, and the time where I was over the moon. Hopefully everything that I’ve encountered before this will be the constant reminder to be positive and strive forward to be better regardless of where I am after this.

 

So here it goes,

the real start of the journey,

despised by many,

 bismillah,

 

  

lets strive for a better future shall we? J

once and for all, and once in a life time,

Finally, finished housemaship with orthopaedic posting. it was a mixed feeling. that self relieve for finishing something that seemed like an endless journey before, suddenly ends abruptly. suddenly you feel unprepared, but if theres one lesson you could take from the past 2 years , its that life goes on, and by hook by crook, we learn to adapt. little did i know, the lesson in life goes beyond what i expected, as always.

You can start being a doctor for a numerous number of times. take a break, quit if you wish, and take a fresh start. but you can only finish housemanship once. and surely everyone has a tale to tell, but not everyone possibly has a take home message. and surely, finishing housemanship during this pandemic mayhem, is a burden to be carried till God knows when. on the side note, finishing houseman ship in non elective posting, i was still able to mingle around with different people from different postings. some are freshies, some are seniors by duration in the posting, and some are just getting used to work as housemanshipregardless of the number of posting they are. and this opens the eye to the different types of houseman and see how time has molded a person to what they are.

generally speaking, as a first poster, instead of learning to what the posting has to offer, you are getting use to the nature of working after a veeeery long period of 'holiday'. the brain is recalling back all the lost memories of undergrad studies, but instead of recalling and trying to apply it to the practice during work, you are too busy adjusting to the system, and knowing what is right and what is wrong. apparently, knowing how to work as a houseman is prioritized rather than knowing the facts of a disease and management. someway along the way, youd realise you could get the hang of it, some stumble and say its too much and succumb the pain of not knowing how to work is too much and throws the towel.

(surgical suturing workshop)

and after finishing the first posting, we have that first sigh of relieve and somewhere inside us, we are able to say to ourselves, life wasnt that bad. and surviving is bearable. without knowing, the ego rises. some thinks that passing a small portion of housemanship entitles them to the seniority and unfortunately, their ego rises beyond their seniority, and knowledge. and from afar, these kind of people will always seem to amuse you. their pompous personality of downgrading people lower than them makes it more obvious. and what they say has a greater magnitude than the amount of work they accomplished. ofcourse, to some of us, its just another phase of life, you lay low, stay humble and learn as much as you can. after that you go on with the next posting, and keep on learning, ( and earning. lol)

and after the 2nd posting, we start to realise, rather than being a good houseman who knows what and when to do the job, the essence of working as a doctor slowly sips through the thick skull. we realise that, caring for the patient is actually a part of the job, and hence we incoperate the responsible as a doctor together with the responsible as a houseman. and along the way, the realisation of the nature of the work starts to become more clearer. and as the subsequent posting passes, the fatigue and soreness becomes a vicious cycle and we desperately wish that the cycle could just end so we could move on to the next phase of life; MO-ship. becoming a legit, independent doctor. so you start to think for that goal. how to think like one of them, and how to work like one of them. and as time goes by, you reach to that point. with a pat on the back, and a smile on the face, we congratulate ourselves on the last day of housemanship, ' congratulations for making it through ' and the nostalgic feeling of finishing SPM during high school rushes in back in you.

( the reunion with the lovely seniors during a friend's wedding )

personally??
as i said, wishing to end the housemanship with a bang,  everyone has their own story to tell,  especially being the first batch of finishing housemanship during this COVID season.

we all hope to finish housemanship in an elective posting ( postings with only seniors, and batchmates in the posting, ) and my preferred choice would be emergency department. but you cant always get what you want right? so there i was, in the orthopedic department. being a senior poster, so called impending legit medical officer, with 20 bunch of us.

normally, each posting will require at least 4 months of duration to complete, at least. but being a 6th poster, the last posting before becoming a medical officer, there is more pressure during working. as boss's expectation is for us to know how to work as a medical officer, and every petty mistakes will be considered unacceptable. i guess i dont mind that, as there is a room for improvement in every mistake made. and then there are those who became houseman after my time. and these people are probably aint that far in age, but experience wise, surely the newcomers have a lot to learn and catch up in comparison to us.




but hey, the sin of those who doesnt know is forgivable. if the newcomers doesnt know, its the duty of those who knew to teach, or atleast to tell. some may not have the decency to have a common sense to see things thoroughly. and for that, a lot of teaching, a lot of patience and ego swallowing situations must be endured. at some point, you are being taken advantage of.  but hey, its not my loss for other people's future sub-par endurance. haha

back to the story, early of March, on the early exposure of the COVID 19 pandemic, all of a sudden a patient was found to be positive in the least likely ward. and as per protocol, anyone in contact with the patient was forced into quarantine. including half of the medical officers and a number of housemans. it almost crippled the department's oncall system. and the solution for that problem was to absorb a few of the 6th posters as functioning medical officers.

there i was in the clinic doing the elective OT list for the next day, all of a sudden the following day, me and a few friends were already needed to function as a medical officer with 3 months training only, incomplete logbook, and unsettled assessments as a houseman (being a last minute man, i planned to study on the last month and get everything done by that time) and suddenly this happened. i wasnt quite sure how to respond to this calling. then i realise,

' YOU. DONT, HAVE, A, CHOICE'

i guess its just like any other hurdle you face before as houseman. realising that the only way to get things done is through, you take a deep breath and get it done. all of a sudden you are seeing cases in clinics instead of clercking them, coming for ward rounds instead of doing the morning reviews, and the scariest part was recieving emergency department's referrals for orthopaedic cases. No tagging period, no heads up. the responsible was different as you are now responsible for your own actions, and apparently your subordinate's action. a patient's management is under you, and making sure housemans dont screw that part is also on you.

non of us was ready for that sudden transition. bosses and former houseman colleagues are expecting us to know and function as if we have been doing all these level of job for a long time despite it being 1st day of working. and all of a sudden, the phrase ' life after housemanship gets better ' doesnt sound as assuring as it was. and all of a sudden the memories of the past came into thought

( Back to back champion of the annual surgical futsal cup. 

Last year won with peads, this time with ortho : )

a fond memory of my biology lecturer during foundation study of whom i couldnt really remember the name, but i can surely remember her habit. everytime before she starts her lecture, she will ask us;

' dalam kalangan kamu ni, siapa yang lepas ni nak jadi dokter?'

and quite a handful of people raised their hand, including me.

and soon she'll be telling the things that is not probably 'recommended'

' awak semua yang angkat tangan ni, tak payah la nak jadi dokter. awak penah ke tanya diri sendiri kenapa awak nak sgt jadi dokter? sebab parent? atau sebab memang awak nak? masa awak kebanyakannya untuk orang lain bukan untuk awak. keluarga awak lagi la.'

( foundation in science PI 060 2011/2012)

and this was her routine every-single-time before starting her lectures. and imagine having to listen to this 2-3 times a week for 2 semesters. surely those words got into some of our heads. and day by day, the number of hands raised get smaller and smaller. to a point its countable with the number of fingers. and among those that remained raising the hand persistently was me. probably that made me one of those people whom she remembers ( despite my grade in biology wasnt my best subject. haha) .

but hey, its just her opinion. and im not going to let anyone's opinion to become a fact just because most of the people agrees. if she could stand on her opinion, then i should also be entitled to my opinion as long as it makes me a better person. and surely along the way throughout the years , the frequency of this memory being recalled has been increasing. and at times, the thoughts of agreeing with her comes and goes. but it occured to me.

just because she was right, it doesnt makes me wrong. and that was then, and this is now. as humans we learn to adapt and move on. as easy as these words slips through my fingers and mouth, going through it surely is harder. but things get better when you get to choose on what really matters and what is not.

In the medical field, it is always a life long journey of learning from books, papers, and most importantly, what you go through day by day. and im thankful enough to know that i finished my housemanship with a group of people who are still eager to learn and help each other in time of needs and the latter. probably having each other is the main reason that eases the day, sparks the little joy that is enough to keep the day going and start again on the next day.

but the sad part is probably knowing the day that we have to go our separate ways in just around the corner. and again, the cycle to start anew is inevitable. and before that time arrives, probably the best way to deal with life is to just embrace every ups and downs. ending housemanship deosnt mean that you stop working or learning, it just made working and learning more crucial and life saving. and in addition to that. you are added with a task to nurture each other, and those who are in need.

So, does life really gets easier after housemanship?

 Unfortunately no, life wont get easier. but fortunately, it gives you more reason to go beyond.
have faith, with God, and His plans, always. have a blessed Ramadhan and take care everyone :)

(the last monthly department birthday celebration 

before the covid pandemic prohibits any mass gathering)

being better for those that really matter.

the rocky parts of a trip, the rough edges that bothered at the end of a clear streamed paper, the tangled and twisted ties on a long rope.
life gets harder as more and more of them being added . and i have to admit,

at a point it was rough.

facing the demons and fears that hindered people from progressing.
some of them are in the form of a flesh
some are just the devastating mind games that bothered more than it should.
you pushed it aside, at least most of it. but some stayed like a stubborn stain. and will always be there till we confront it

to a point, you turn to a new leaf and say: instead of refraining, lets try casting it aside. and all these insecurities at a point will be a hindrance or obstacle instead of a permanent barrier.

and after all this while you wondered what went wrong. you also wondered what was the right thing to do..
how could things be better instead of getting yourself whorled into the abyss that sucks the joy and life out of you.

but then again, as we long for the search of something that couldve actually solve all of our problem,
we forgot what(read : who) was there that made us able to bear everything up to this point..

the people that were there before, will be there now, and then.

those we tried to keep alongside us but are not there when we thought they would will just be a shell of hopelessness of something we thought we needed, but serves nothing rather than a burden to keep. some demands to be kept, but rains the life out of you until the point you said to yourself, let it go, and let yourself heal from the unnecessary burden.

and at that point, you look to the opposite direction and see, how vast the lands were. how the grass is truly greener. and how stupid you were for not looking into that direction before. youre not looking into a new direction. youre just going the where you were once where. where people genuinely cared, where people made it easier instead of asking you to make things easier for them.

and for some reason, it saddens me that some of them will probably not be there in the future.
though certain deeds are given and taken, exchanged on a daily basis, some can only be repaid by whatever goodness God may provide, or you doing it to there people ( just dont be mistaken by doing it to the wrong people )

i believe in goodness keeps a warm heart and steady mind throughout difficulty, and i hope everyone (including me) will be able to give more than what we got. Hopefully with age, comes wisdom. and with wisdom, youll try to be better for the right people that matter..