get. it . done. and. carry on. with. your. life

 

 

  Ok imagine this,

You work at a beautiful lake. And like any worker, you have an employer. And one fine day, the boss asked you to make a field garden in the middle of the lake. And being a good employee you start to build it as ordered. It wasn’t easy. It was time consuming, to a point seemed impossible to be done. Surely a lot of blood sweat and tears we’re used of course. And apparently, on the other edge of the lake, it seems like a lot of other employee are doing the same thing. Just making sure the soil and stones are properly placed so it is as how the boss wanted it to be. Everyone had the same thing to do, but apparently some thinks its too hard, and decided to quit and do something else. Some thinks that maybe if they help that fella to get his garden done, that person will help me out too? Apparently some are willing , some are not.

 

And after a few years, its finally done. Laid out beautifully. A garden full of flowers and plants. Some employee thought that a barren land would be suffice with no proper gardening. Some decided to use other people’s crops for the job. And some just decided, its best to do everything as instructed, and also do something else more, for the sake of self satisfaction.

 

And of course, the day ended as the employer evaluates all the garden. Satisfactory or not, later on he gave one final instruction: now build a house that suits you on top of the garden, and you will live there for the rest of your life, if permissible, the land should be good enough and large enough to build a dream house. If not, then the person will have to do some extra works to build up more space and build more house

 

Im guessing this explains housemanship in a nutshell.

It was the period of starting a career. It wasn’t an easy one. We sacrifice a lot, some barely manage to survive, some cruised through it without any problem. And some manage to put extra effort for the future that is obviously uncertain.

After completing housemanship, you thought you could take a deep breath and rest as the toughest period of your life has ended. But little did we know, its actually the toughest period in the career ‘ so far’ . a lot of other things that needs to be planned and more obstacles needed to be overcome. And apparently all the hardship for the past 2 years plus seemed so little in comparison to what lies beyond. All the hardship to survive, was actually just to build a foundation for the future career.

Some managed to go through it alone. Some realised, that its actually better to go through with other people along the way to assist and motivate you accordingly. regardless, the better the foundation, the more confident we are to face the future.

 

I spent 8 months in orthopaedic department, and along the way, I see so many flaws that everyone had, regardless of the age, seniority, or rank. But some of them decided to keep it low, stay humble and work as needed. While others feed on their ego and hope to rise higher than the height of their ego. As for me, I just want to do my work for the patient, while hoping to be improve myself along the way, both professionally and personally

And for that, I have to give credits to the bosses and dear colleagues that were along the way with me throughout the past 8 months. 

 

“ who you know is better than what you know ‘

 

This is a saying that I believe will help me now and in the future. Yes, the journey and the destination during a trip is important, but as some may forget, that the company along the way plays a very important role as well. and honestly ive learned from people more than i learn from books. 

 

And for this, I would like to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey. its good to know that there is always something to learn from people around you. From how they talk, how they react, and how they teach. But most importantly, is how they deal with unanticipated problems. I guess there always room to learn and improve as long as we don’t let our ego in the way.

 

I cant thank enough to everyone who has been there for me through my deepest fall into the pit, and the time where I was over the moon. Hopefully everything that I’ve encountered before this will be the constant reminder to be positive and strive forward to be better regardless of where I am after this.

 

So here it goes,

the real start of the journey,

despised by many,

 bismillah,

 

  

lets strive for a better future shall we? J

once and for all, and once in a life time,

Finally, finished housemaship with orthopaedic posting. it was a mixed feeling. that self relieve for finishing something that seemed like an endless journey before, suddenly ends abruptly. suddenly you feel unprepared, but if theres one lesson you could take from the past 2 years , its that life goes on, and by hook by crook, we learn to adapt. little did i know, the lesson in life goes beyond what i expected, as always.

You can start being a doctor for a numerous number of times. take a break, quit if you wish, and take a fresh start. but you can only finish housemanship once. and surely everyone has a tale to tell, but not everyone possibly has a take home message. and surely, finishing housemanship during this pandemic mayhem, is a burden to be carried till God knows when. on the side note, finishing houseman ship in non elective posting, i was still able to mingle around with different people from different postings. some are freshies, some are seniors by duration in the posting, and some are just getting used to work as housemanshipregardless of the number of posting they are. and this opens the eye to the different types of houseman and see how time has molded a person to what they are.

generally speaking, as a first poster, instead of learning to what the posting has to offer, you are getting use to the nature of working after a veeeery long period of 'holiday'. the brain is recalling back all the lost memories of undergrad studies, but instead of recalling and trying to apply it to the practice during work, you are too busy adjusting to the system, and knowing what is right and what is wrong. apparently, knowing how to work as a houseman is prioritized rather than knowing the facts of a disease and management. someway along the way, youd realise you could get the hang of it, some stumble and say its too much and succumb the pain of not knowing how to work is too much and throws the towel.

(surgical suturing workshop)

and after finishing the first posting, we have that first sigh of relieve and somewhere inside us, we are able to say to ourselves, life wasnt that bad. and surviving is bearable. without knowing, the ego rises. some thinks that passing a small portion of housemanship entitles them to the seniority and unfortunately, their ego rises beyond their seniority, and knowledge. and from afar, these kind of people will always seem to amuse you. their pompous personality of downgrading people lower than them makes it more obvious. and what they say has a greater magnitude than the amount of work they accomplished. ofcourse, to some of us, its just another phase of life, you lay low, stay humble and learn as much as you can. after that you go on with the next posting, and keep on learning, ( and earning. lol)

and after the 2nd posting, we start to realise, rather than being a good houseman who knows what and when to do the job, the essence of working as a doctor slowly sips through the thick skull. we realise that, caring for the patient is actually a part of the job, and hence we incoperate the responsible as a doctor together with the responsible as a houseman. and along the way, the realisation of the nature of the work starts to become more clearer. and as the subsequent posting passes, the fatigue and soreness becomes a vicious cycle and we desperately wish that the cycle could just end so we could move on to the next phase of life; MO-ship. becoming a legit, independent doctor. so you start to think for that goal. how to think like one of them, and how to work like one of them. and as time goes by, you reach to that point. with a pat on the back, and a smile on the face, we congratulate ourselves on the last day of housemanship, ' congratulations for making it through ' and the nostalgic feeling of finishing SPM during high school rushes in back in you.

( the reunion with the lovely seniors during a friend's wedding )

personally??
as i said, wishing to end the housemanship with a bang,  everyone has their own story to tell,  especially being the first batch of finishing housemanship during this COVID season.

we all hope to finish housemanship in an elective posting ( postings with only seniors, and batchmates in the posting, ) and my preferred choice would be emergency department. but you cant always get what you want right? so there i was, in the orthopedic department. being a senior poster, so called impending legit medical officer, with 20 bunch of us.

normally, each posting will require at least 4 months of duration to complete, at least. but being a 6th poster, the last posting before becoming a medical officer, there is more pressure during working. as boss's expectation is for us to know how to work as a medical officer, and every petty mistakes will be considered unacceptable. i guess i dont mind that, as there is a room for improvement in every mistake made. and then there are those who became houseman after my time. and these people are probably aint that far in age, but experience wise, surely the newcomers have a lot to learn and catch up in comparison to us.




but hey, the sin of those who doesnt know is forgivable. if the newcomers doesnt know, its the duty of those who knew to teach, or atleast to tell. some may not have the decency to have a common sense to see things thoroughly. and for that, a lot of teaching, a lot of patience and ego swallowing situations must be endured. at some point, you are being taken advantage of.  but hey, its not my loss for other people's future sub-par endurance. haha

back to the story, early of March, on the early exposure of the COVID 19 pandemic, all of a sudden a patient was found to be positive in the least likely ward. and as per protocol, anyone in contact with the patient was forced into quarantine. including half of the medical officers and a number of housemans. it almost crippled the department's oncall system. and the solution for that problem was to absorb a few of the 6th posters as functioning medical officers.

there i was in the clinic doing the elective OT list for the next day, all of a sudden the following day, me and a few friends were already needed to function as a medical officer with 3 months training only, incomplete logbook, and unsettled assessments as a houseman (being a last minute man, i planned to study on the last month and get everything done by that time) and suddenly this happened. i wasnt quite sure how to respond to this calling. then i realise,

' YOU. DONT, HAVE, A, CHOICE'

i guess its just like any other hurdle you face before as houseman. realising that the only way to get things done is through, you take a deep breath and get it done. all of a sudden you are seeing cases in clinics instead of clercking them, coming for ward rounds instead of doing the morning reviews, and the scariest part was recieving emergency department's referrals for orthopaedic cases. No tagging period, no heads up. the responsible was different as you are now responsible for your own actions, and apparently your subordinate's action. a patient's management is under you, and making sure housemans dont screw that part is also on you.

non of us was ready for that sudden transition. bosses and former houseman colleagues are expecting us to know and function as if we have been doing all these level of job for a long time despite it being 1st day of working. and all of a sudden, the phrase ' life after housemanship gets better ' doesnt sound as assuring as it was. and all of a sudden the memories of the past came into thought

( Back to back champion of the annual surgical futsal cup. 

Last year won with peads, this time with ortho : )

a fond memory of my biology lecturer during foundation study of whom i couldnt really remember the name, but i can surely remember her habit. everytime before she starts her lecture, she will ask us;

' dalam kalangan kamu ni, siapa yang lepas ni nak jadi dokter?'

and quite a handful of people raised their hand, including me.

and soon she'll be telling the things that is not probably 'recommended'

' awak semua yang angkat tangan ni, tak payah la nak jadi dokter. awak penah ke tanya diri sendiri kenapa awak nak sgt jadi dokter? sebab parent? atau sebab memang awak nak? masa awak kebanyakannya untuk orang lain bukan untuk awak. keluarga awak lagi la.'

( foundation in science PI 060 2011/2012)

and this was her routine every-single-time before starting her lectures. and imagine having to listen to this 2-3 times a week for 2 semesters. surely those words got into some of our heads. and day by day, the number of hands raised get smaller and smaller. to a point its countable with the number of fingers. and among those that remained raising the hand persistently was me. probably that made me one of those people whom she remembers ( despite my grade in biology wasnt my best subject. haha) .

but hey, its just her opinion. and im not going to let anyone's opinion to become a fact just because most of the people agrees. if she could stand on her opinion, then i should also be entitled to my opinion as long as it makes me a better person. and surely along the way throughout the years , the frequency of this memory being recalled has been increasing. and at times, the thoughts of agreeing with her comes and goes. but it occured to me.

just because she was right, it doesnt makes me wrong. and that was then, and this is now. as humans we learn to adapt and move on. as easy as these words slips through my fingers and mouth, going through it surely is harder. but things get better when you get to choose on what really matters and what is not.

In the medical field, it is always a life long journey of learning from books, papers, and most importantly, what you go through day by day. and im thankful enough to know that i finished my housemanship with a group of people who are still eager to learn and help each other in time of needs and the latter. probably having each other is the main reason that eases the day, sparks the little joy that is enough to keep the day going and start again on the next day.

but the sad part is probably knowing the day that we have to go our separate ways in just around the corner. and again, the cycle to start anew is inevitable. and before that time arrives, probably the best way to deal with life is to just embrace every ups and downs. ending housemanship deosnt mean that you stop working or learning, it just made working and learning more crucial and life saving. and in addition to that. you are added with a task to nurture each other, and those who are in need.

So, does life really gets easier after housemanship?

 Unfortunately no, life wont get easier. but fortunately, it gives you more reason to go beyond.
have faith, with God, and His plans, always. have a blessed Ramadhan and take care everyone :)

(the last monthly department birthday celebration 

before the covid pandemic prohibits any mass gathering)

being better for those that really matter.

the rocky parts of a trip, the rough edges that bothered at the end of a clear streamed paper, the tangled and twisted ties on a long rope.
life gets harder as more and more of them being added . and i have to admit,

at a point it was rough.

facing the demons and fears that hindered people from progressing.
some of them are in the form of a flesh
some are just the devastating mind games that bothered more than it should.
you pushed it aside, at least most of it. but some stayed like a stubborn stain. and will always be there till we confront it

to a point, you turn to a new leaf and say: instead of refraining, lets try casting it aside. and all these insecurities at a point will be a hindrance or obstacle instead of a permanent barrier.

and after all this while you wondered what went wrong. you also wondered what was the right thing to do..
how could things be better instead of getting yourself whorled into the abyss that sucks the joy and life out of you.

but then again, as we long for the search of something that couldve actually solve all of our problem,
we forgot what(read : who) was there that made us able to bear everything up to this point..

the people that were there before, will be there now, and then.

those we tried to keep alongside us but are not there when we thought they would will just be a shell of hopelessness of something we thought we needed, but serves nothing rather than a burden to keep. some demands to be kept, but rains the life out of you until the point you said to yourself, let it go, and let yourself heal from the unnecessary burden.

and at that point, you look to the opposite direction and see, how vast the lands were. how the grass is truly greener. and how stupid you were for not looking into that direction before. youre not looking into a new direction. youre just going the where you were once where. where people genuinely cared, where people made it easier instead of asking you to make things easier for them.

and for some reason, it saddens me that some of them will probably not be there in the future.
though certain deeds are given and taken, exchanged on a daily basis, some can only be repaid by whatever goodness God may provide, or you doing it to there people ( just dont be mistaken by doing it to the wrong people )

i believe in goodness keeps a warm heart and steady mind throughout difficulty, and i hope everyone (including me) will be able to give more than what we got. Hopefully with age, comes wisdom. and with wisdom, youll try to be better for the right people that matter..

pampered for a closure

Remember during those high school days. where we/d be scared by seniors who said that additional mathematics are super hard? to a point where single digit marks in exam seems acceptable. and failing is a norm. to a point where  you start questioning yourself, is it that hard? is it that scary? but when you actually go through it, its just like any other subject. you put effort to it. its actually doable. pretty sure the teacher wondered the same back then. haha..

and that is probably the easiest example i could give to express on how i felt regarding entering the emergency department (ED) . most of those entering this department, entered as a final poster. the last pit stop before the housemanship era ends. but for some of us, we entered as the second last pitstop. making us a bit vulnerable and inferior in terms of exposure. and seeing how the seniors relentlessly complain about the lifeless life in emergency department made me wonder on how to survive in such a high intense, adrenaline pumping situation kind of place.

but hey. Im a believer. always remind my feeble self,
in every cloud there's a silver lining
Allah puts you in the hardship that you are now not to show you your capped limit, but to show what you are capable of, and if you believe in so, maybe you were meant for more right?

the gloomy clouds..

all the previous places during working in the ward had an organised working flow. you settle the patient's issue in the ward, once they get well enough. they're allowed to go back, and we can arrange for another patient to be admitted in the ward and the cycle continues. with the limited beds and extra temporary beds allocated, we could roughly estimate what needs to be done and by when the 'chores' would be done. and to make things easier, the works are well distributed accordingly among colleagues, nurses, bosses and everyone understands and knows which work is theirs and which is another. a cog in a well lubricated clock, moving at its own expected pace, sometimes it gets a little rough. sometimes. but the job ends when the day ends.

but the emergency department proved that work ward is not comparable. showing the true nature of what this field has to offer. its a messy and chaotic place. people just keeps on coming in regardless the time. some are on the verge of dying. some are on the verge of anger, some are just there because of the sick leaves they wish to apply on the following days. to make things worst, many cant go up to the ward because of the ward is already full, hence they're stranded in the emergency department. an you take care of them as how you have to take care of them in the ward, in addition to the work you already have.

theres no such thing as fully occupied emergency department. everyone is entitled to healthcare. hence we have to accept all the patient. 3-4 patients will come in every 1 hour. (too bad patients dont get sick only during office hours)and you still have to see all of them and make sure they are all treated equally, and on time. in addition to that, the number of patient sometimes, can exceed more than the number of the total bed an chairs we have in the department. i feel bad for the patients who can only sit because of we dont have enough bed. i feel bad at times when a mother brings a sick baby, but no privacy for breastfeeding. and most of all i feel bad for myself for neglecting my basic needs for time to pray, eat, and family because of what im doing.

staffwise?

the ratio is obviously inappropriate. due to understaffed, sometimes you have to do all the works yourself most of the time. this includes the nurse's job, the PPK's work an etc. in short, youre responsible for everything to keep the place running. what ever 'systematic distributive flow' you knew in the ward means nothing in the emergency department. an ironically, should anything goes wrong, youre held responsible and the blame cannot be shifted to other personnel. how wonderful. and to certain family members of patient thinks that its like a nursery, where they drop off their parents, "orders" us to take care of them, and should anything go wrong, tax payers has every right to complaint later on. oh well.

the hippocratic oath,
finishing medical school we took the oath of " do not harm " and to treat as must. and this oath haunts us in everything we do, knowing everything that we do may affect the quality of life of a patient, and the death or cure of a person can sometimes makes us stutter and doubt our own mind.Not to mention, forcing to make decisions with an overworked brain in long stretched working hours, an empty stomach, on a daily basis makes more room for error that could affect a person's life or death matter.

patients?

ill be lucky to have a patient who understands whats happening in the department. those who actually knows that what we are doing there, are what we are supposed to do. and on very special occasions, and if im lucky enough, ill get patients who actually thank us for our effort. but most of the time. Everyone that comes to the hospital thinks they are the most sick person that requires immediate treatment and every second attention. and seeing so many other patients in there, they could casually ask us questions that could test our patience, repetitively.

"doc, bila saya bole balek?" ( auntie you just came, i just took a few blood of of yours,process takes time )

"doc, bila saya bole naik ward? sudah satu jam saya tunggu: ( pakcik, org lain ada tunggu 2 hari tak naik naik. )

"doc, knpa xray lama sangat tunggu? kaki saya lama dah sakit ni ( theres only 1 x ray room, and theyre doing xrays for unconcious, and more fragile patients, is it not obvious who is priority?)

"doc, pakcik saya apa cerita? ( so now i have to tell everything to EACH family member, and you cannot discuss among yourself? as if i dont have other things to do )

"doc, tolong tukar kan pampers ayah saya, dia dah berak: ( and changing diapers are not part of the healthcare system as i recalled? wew )

"doc, saya batuk dah 3 hari, nak mc boleh?" ( and you decided to come at 3am for this?) 

If only the patients and their family knows, we are doing what we could. If only they know we treat everyone the same because everyone matters. just because you have a certain person in higher hierarchy above us, it doesnt change your privileges in the emergency department, simply saying, just because you pay taxes, the place doesnt change from a hospital to a hotel.

let me try to explain one thing that i think, most of the community failed to understand. and that is the rationale and how the emergency department functions, Its called emergency for a reason, it is something that you have due to emergency problems. up until today i cannot understand why people still come because of something that has happened last week. but regardless, if you come, we will treat you accordingly. part of the system's job is to identify which zone youre supposed to be in , green, yellow or red. each with different waiting time. and to allocate the patient, is not the patient's decision but the ED's staff. everyone will claim they're be the most sick person to get attention. my guess is that if we do entertain them, then its not fair for those who really need more critical attention right?

imagine, 1 person comes, and after asking the necessary questions an we took a few bloods and other investigations, it should take time before all of the results came out and in the mean time, the medications and treatment that can be given has already been given. though after the blood results came out, there may be additional medications and further workups must be done. then afterwards, doctors from the ward may need to see the patient to see if the patient should need to be in the ward or can be treated at home. and when theres an indication for admission, then the patient must await his/her turn until there is an empty bed in the ward. in the meantime anything can happen. a stable patient may deteriorate. suddenly a patient's conciousness can drop, or other complains from the patient may require urgent attention.
for 1 person that comes to ED may be processed within 15-20 minutes, things aint that swifty when 2-3 patient comes every 15 freaking minutes.

after all of this day in day out. im lucky enough if i get to pray ( luckier if able to pray ontime ), maybe ill get something to munch in between, maybe ill get to sit once awhile. maybe ill get to end my daily 12 hours shift on time. but here i am, compensating all of that. as long as all of the patients we treat, doesnt die, as long as theyre unharmed by incompetency and sub-treatment.

some people break at some point. some required extra time to adjust. some throws a white flag and decides" i dont care, i cannot care anymore "




But the silver lining is somehow, worth the menace and trouble.

 through all the troubles i went through, i didnt went through it alone. i went through it together with other people whom has been through with me since day 1 of working. in other words, we have each other to get things around easily and help each other. non are a stranger, and non is a foe at work. and most importantly, the essence of ' lets get this done and move on to another' felt more approachable  when you're working with friends, instead of colleagues whom youd probably known and worked with ever since you started doing this kind of jobs 1 year ago. the comfort zone that understands how painful it was not being able to adjust accordingly to the pressure of work, and how it gets better when you go through it together,.

and this train of thought was similar to the ambient that the bosses try to provide. knowing how stress wok can be. the bosses adjust accordingly to try and minimise the daily punishing mind games. cut the nonsense crap of scolding, and embrace the teaching part. we did mistakes because of something we dont know, not because of negligence. and for that the cure is to teach, and to tell instead of scrutinise.

and experience, it comes from a lot of other place if you let it. and this kind ambience indirectly says to you " its a messy place. but we could all work together to keep the good vibes and survive another day" sometimes in the deepest stress your having during the day, a good vibe and a person to come to you and say "its okay, we'll do this together" is all that you need to hear to keep you on track.

and of course, the best way to beat the stress is to get out of it once in awhile. The understanding, and flexibility of the schedule allows you to take a breath outside, reconcile and enjoy the moment. The best part of it is able to do it together. By the Grace of God i was able to travel, the best part was not about the destination, but the company. i could not have asked for more.

but the past of a journey is always the take home message that you could gain.

so often a phrase is popped out in my head everytime i get pissed of something.
" every decision that you express during anger, will always end up in shame. "
and i learnt it in the hard way.
as how i recall it, i remembered that i was in a pressured place and time, as a few patient that needed consultation in a time. then comes an old man asking me, " dokter, saya kene tunggu berape lama lg ye??"
and i raised my voice while replying to him;
" encik, kalau semua orang lain boleh tunggu, encik boleh tak tunggu kejap? sampai masa saya akan panggil encik, ok?"
" oh, ye ke, baiklah, maaf dokter, saya bukan apa, saya datang dari teluk intan naik teksi, teksi masih tunggu. saya dah takde duit nk balek kalau lmbt sebab tambang teksi sekarang mahal. " and this conversation occurred in front of everyone in which the conversation ended up with a glaring of stares from everyone to me.

at that time it struck me awhile. i know ive seen insensible people who would just ask us to see them fast because they just hate waiting. and most of the time they think  that the doctors are just sitting and not doing anything.
but this guy is actually needing me because of something  that is troublesome to him. of all the people for me to snap to, i ended up snapping to the wrong person. probably Allah just wanted to remind me one thing. be tolerable, be understanding, as you know you also would want the same if youre on the other end. hence, everytime i almost snap, ill try to find 1001 reasons not to. and believe me, once you realise how to keep the temper cool, you'd thank everyone for being a part of the journey. it was not easy. and maybe at some point requires all the help you could get from your surrounding.

and for all the mentioned reasons, ill say that i was pampered with what has been bestowed upon me, during and after work.. i see the blessings of what time was able to provide despite the hectic schedule.to a point ill say to myself, " trust the process, and trust God with His plans more than you trust your plan. and see how miracle unfolds. "

So if theres anything important that i could take note from this year is, to keep an open mind. everyone can define what is happening to themself and reflect their understanding to you. but that should not affect your judgement as you have your own conscious and surely you hold no accountability towards their opinion, a steady conscious with a right mindset is possibly all you need to keep on going even if the whole world is possibly saying no to you.

for all the blessings i had towards the end of 2019,
i hope that i may be more understanding towards other people, give chances, and listen to people. some of them just needs a set of ears just to be heard.
i hope ill be able to retain all the good values that has been reflected towards me. and not let it rot with whatever bitterness that the world tries to pollute me with in the future. people learn to adapt to a point they think they matter more than other people. such toxicity. such disgrace.

and last but not least, I hope i can pray 5 times a day and prioritise what is needed to, and realise there are things that you need to do, and what you want to do. if you keep doing what you need to do, the end the process of what you are doing is not a journey. but an expected routine.

lets go beyond, lets go for more shall we? :)

(P/s: sharing a few pictures during the 4 months of of working. happy pictures only, pictures during work can spoil the mood xD)

Perspective Preference

Time and tide passes, and life gets dull as a duster. the soul gets tired. and you live day by day, fueled with adrenaline rushing in the veins, until it runs out. and you ask yourself;

 ' until when?'

and personally, the hurdle gets tougher, as another posting is finished. not because another posting has successfully(read; barely)  been put aside, but the realisation on the fact that housemanship is about to finish, and the burden of another phase of life is at the edge.
and generally speaking. to a point in life in doing things that we are doing now, we keep questioning, why should you go on, until when? and the most important thing, is it worth it? and what follows is the constant doubting and the endless negativity that starts feeding on the mind and soul, that finally results in the reduction of productivity of our work. to a point, some might even lose the relevance of their presence.

in the process of trying to not let ourselves get consumed , what normal people do is try to look for how to overcome this problem. some seek for help. sometimes the simplest form of help would just to voice out the bottled up problem. and after doing so, we'd  realise, there are actually bigger problems to worry about. seems like venting is the easiest and fastest way to voice out the complains and elaborate on the downside of life. provided that you have a good listener



but sometimes it doest work right?? before you ever start thinking that its the end of the world, remember, that its not the end of the world, yet. and coping mechanism exists in many forms. and the art of distracting ourselves may once again save ourselves from social dysfunction.  focus on what makes you happy. if it happens to be work, then you're in luck. but if not. youll realise that theres a whole bundle of joy awaiting for you on the other side. the grass is always greener on the other side right? Just. Do. and. soon youll realise, the problems youre having, may just be another day at work, another phase of life that will end shortly. and youre just there in the meantime while waiting to do what really makes you happy. And the best and ultimate coping mechanism, is always to go back to God. and there, you'll count the blessings and realise its actually more than you


but at certain times, problems arent about work. sometimes its a social issue, sometimes its more personal. and for such matter. its time to remember the most important thing.

* Yourself *
people can talk, people can tell, people can help. but what is more important is on the receiving end. how we respond to matters appropriately. and for this, the one thing that most people tend to forget is the one thing that keeps all great men( and women) to keep on doing what they are doing. and that is ,

PERSPECTIVE.

the ability to take a step back everytime we encounter a problem, and to think for the best solution to the problem, instead of approaching it as a reflex. and sometimes the reflex respond of a human being could result in inappropriate anger, unnecessary violence, and impeccable mistakes. so often we tend to do what we want instead of what we're supposed to do.

So what are we supposed to do? its a tricky question with a variety of answers.i guess ill just head to an example before summing things up.

sometimes people talk to you in a high pitched voice, not because they're angry, but they just have been bottling up things for too long. some may respond with a higher pitch and would further leads to a more intense situation. instead, things may be handled better if we respond in a lower pitch voice, or even just being quiet

Guess at this point,. i found mine.

a lot of things can happen to us in a day, and some part of it is beyond our control. For that, sometimes we start cursing God for what has happened and start cursing ourselves for being imperfect for not being able to handle the situation . And we forgot that there is no use of worrying about things that we cannot change. we also forgot how our imperfections is a form of blessing to us.

being humans, its in the core of imperfection as its a form of God to keep remind us that theres always room for improvement, and always, its a way of God to remind us of Him. for us to constantly have that sense of belonging towards Him. to go to Him at times get rough and not stumble beneath the earth.

work can be stressful during the stretch hours of work in addition to the unnecessary demands from patients that irritates you. suddenly you remember, how youre actually taking the gifts that God gave you for granted. and one of them is the gift of health; of how youre at the end of the bed treating the patient, instead of being on the bed, being sick on wonder if youre actually ever gonna be healthy again. Or how youre still able to walk and run around the wards and do things that is beneficial to other people instead of sitting and depend on other's mercy.  yes its hard. but with hardship is how you're molded to become a better person

So for everything that is happening that made you wanna stop or do inappropriate things
take a deep breath
see things as things they should be instead of how you want it to be.
be a good listener
be happy for what you are doing.
and always remember
theres always a greater purpose in life beyond just the satisfaction of our own life.
and the greater purpose of life is something that is for God to decide,
and for us to trust the process.

i know sometimes that the greater purpose is something beyond our comprehension that puts us in a disbelieve position.  but i guess that is what differs us as humans with God. there are limits to what we can understand but when the time comes, you'd thank God for doing his work, and you'll thank your self for being patient enough to withstand everything prior. :)



a wise person once said ,-

"so when i see people who have had success, i see boredom for the most part in them, And i see a tombstone. Circling back to what trophies and those things represent,
Richard Feyman, a great physicist, said that the nobel prize would be the tombstone on all great work.
Usually when you get what you thought you wanted , The fire goes away.
so if there's anything, jut find joy in what you do for the sake of it.
and then recognize how you're being shaped in the process
and hopefully youll become a better man through it."

this post is dedicated to those who are struggling in every possible way imaginable. in a way, this is also a way for me to vent and share what helped me through. thank you for reading till the end. 

i pray that in every hurdle of life that is happening to you, you will not give up and have the strength to continue, to strive, and most importantly, to trust the process and appreciate the little things in life. 

the anniversary

a year ago, i was young and dumb. a year later,

not that young, but still that dumb..

time seems to pass so fast, when youre too busy with work.as some would say it; 'i live at work, and sometimes i go home'. you go to work so early, and go back so late at night. all you can think of when you arrive home after work, was just to sleep because the next day is just hours away. and sometimes you cant sleep as soon as you reach, because you need to force yourself to eat knowing that the late prebed meal, was the only meal of the day you had and youre not sure when is your next meal on the next day.

in honour of a year of housemanship, allow  me to briefly, generally walk through the routines of the past 1 year. and hopefully put some sense on how other people's life is more greater valued than ourselves.

for starters, each departments have their own wards, and clinic. some departments have their operation theatre. As housemans, each places in the departments will require us to placed and rotated among ourselves in order to keep it running. and most of us will be stationed in the ward, where all the sickness and dramas are located. 

most of us starts the day with waking up feeling the relentless reluctant feeling to go to work. every day feels like a monday blues. arrival time at ward should be around 6-630am, some would need to go work as early as 4am to start doing works. the day starts with us reviewing the patients in ward, some are new patients who came in over the night, some are those who are already in the wards and we need to figure out how to solve the problems(read:diseases) and to allow the patient go home safely. youd be lucky enough if the only patient you need to review in the morning is less than 5. because at times, youd need to see more than 10 patients before your bossess arrive.

its like a 3 tier system. patients will be seen by the housemans, and then the medical officers, and then the specialist. these are the rankings of doctors in the wards that will see the patients. Ensuring Patients get the best treatments, and double/ triple checking to avoid any mistakes and avoid doing harm instead of good. 

usually the rounds will finish around 11am, and a lot of plans will usually be given to manage a patients during the so called morning rounds. these includes taking bloods that are seemed crucial to further heal the patient, referring to other departments for co-managing the patient. if indicated , to arrange for surgery or imaging that would require tedious process of the back and forth to the radio departments. Sometimes, managing patient's financial status would also be part of our job as healthcare workers. haha.most of this needs to be done before lunch hours as some of them are not available during lunch hours for obvious reasons. 

other than that, some patients are well enough and were allowed to be discharged and go home . and for these people. doing discharges and letters and other documents required may require some time. alot of time if theres a lot of other pending works. this also means, that when a patient is out of the ward, another will come in and hence the clerking process will start and we have to manage the new patients on top of the other things ive mentioned before. and after all of this is done, then only we are able to go back. black and white based, our working time is 7-5. but that is too absurd.

all of the daily routines doesnt seem that hard on paper. until suddenly a patient collapsed, unresponsive, or deteriorates drastically. and at times, it involves more than 1 patient at one time. and when things like this happens, it stalls your daily job, but still expects all job to be done within that certain time frame. and for the icing and cherry on top, the patient's family who tend to not understand our nature of work, and thinks what ever they knew from the internet just a few moments ago, is better than what the medical practitioners know.

and its been a year. the repetitive obstacle has become part of the nature of our work. and at one point, some of us grew tired, and the burning soul to learn and help humanity fades. why do we keep helping people but it makes us suffer? suffer from not having enough personal life, personal self care, and personal self respect. some would end up being so selfish and would push their work to other people so that they could go back on time. some would be more judging to new colleagues instead of teaching them.

as for me?
i try to keep reminding myself of the purpose of a greater good. its not easy.

bad things will keep on happening, and if not for the better version of yourself, guess its not gonna happen. And, i remember what a teacher once said to me during school

' good things, that do not oppose from what Allah has command, then it can never go wrong '
i interpreted it as that just keep doing the good things, no matter how tedious , no matter how small it is. sometimes its the little things that you do that matters most. we are where we are, doing what we do, its because this is how God has planned for us, and surely its for the benefit of us in ways that we find it hard to imagine. and when you realise it, you'd say to yourself, "i should have trusted God's Plan all these while"

and then. there are those people who still exist, those kind of people that prevails to keep being on the good side of work despite how terrible the surrounding is. And these people are mostly the seniors, some bosses and a few of them comes from the patients who can say thank you to us , just by doing our job. all the little things. that keeps us going, keeps reminding us that its not impossible to be good and to be nice, as i recall, being nice doesnt hurt anyone, except our ego.

i've seen how some of my bossess are just so nice, refuse to be consumed by the negative people around,  and thus  makes me wonder " maybe ill be like him later on. but how far should i tolerate " . It also makes me wonder " how did he/she manage to handle all the craps and negativity all this while", and ofcourse the answer is,

"as much as possible."

so in this blessed month, for the sake of not crumbling,
i hope that i could be a better person, to those who i care,
i hope that my patience is increased despite all the negativity that the world is throwing
i hope that my ego could be lowered and not let it consume me
i hope that when things go south, i wont let other people be affected by my feeble compromising side.
i hope that i could be a better doctor, a better colleague ,a better friend,
and most of all, a better person for my religion.

life is not going to get any easier, and as human, we will learn to adapt. and for that, no matter how bad the days are, or how terrible the day is, id remind myself that its just another day at work, and life goes on. take a deep breath, one step at a time, and carry forward. your life is always bigger than the petty problems youre facing now.

Happy Ramadhan to all my muslim brothers and sisters. may all of our works and deeds be rewarded. forgive my wrong doings. i know its a lot, but i hope its enough.

Priorities,

There is no such thing as 'too busy'. people make time for things that matter, things that are important to them.

priorities.,

at a point we start to wonder, which is which? how do we compensate one for another? and at the end which one do we commit our true self to. if broken into parts, do we follow the mind, or do we follow the heart?

living for more than a quarter of a decade, you start to look back through the years. all the things that we have done and what we have achieved. The good things, and especially the mistakes we made that makes us learn; life is not as simple as it was before. and through all these hardship, surely there are those people that exist that made it bearable for you to keep on going up to today.

and today, almost through medical posting, and it couldnt get any sentimental than this. i thought i could have avoided questioning myself this non answerable question,

 seems like fate brought the question to me instead.



Are we that feeble despite having all these greatness?



back in 2015, my late Opah was diagnosed to have end stage renal failure. seems like being the only one in the family with a medical background, this forced me to explain to the rest of the family member that there was no cure for it. and throughout my final year, she spent the remaining days in Hospital Selayang, the hospital that was dedicated for my faculty's final year student. and everytime i came to visit, she'd ask me when she can go back. and for some reason i cant answer it. and she'd end the conversation with phrases like ' takpa, nnt ali dah abes jadi belajar, jadi doktor, ali boleh la sembuhkan penyakit buah pinggang ni. ' and sometimes even deeper ' takpelah ali, kalau tak sempat sembuhkan opah, nanti sembuhkan la orang lain ye,.'
and things like this,  that make you realise, how feeble you are despite the ambition that youre trying to be. you are trying your best to do good, to help people heal, but you cant even help your own family.


and in my second month of medical posting, im posted into the nephro ward for 1 month. and here i see the similar case of my late Opah, but not just one person, the whole ward. i kind of said to myself, you had the guilt for not being able to save a person because previously you were still not a doctor, but can you do a difference now that youre not a student anymore?

so often i ask, will these hand do more harm than good? knowing that screw ups are always around the corner. living life at the edge, knowing a single slip up, a second late, could cost a life, sometimes wakes you up in the middle of the night. but i tried my best to atleast, not to do harm. and along the way, i see the nature of having a terminal disease and realise its not curable, but it can be curbed and controlled, provided that there is enough care. and most of the care does not come from the medication, but the social and family support. so often those with no family support will lose hope and crumble just because there is nobody to tell them , " its okay. you can do it ".


and for us doctors, being at the latter, patients will say that its easy for us to say so because we are not at the receiving end and we have nothing to lose. and apparently due to time constraint, we dont have the luxury of time to dwell much into that matter. doctors ARE, human too.


eversince day one of life, you were raised, supported from the 1st crawling steps until the day you decided to run. and decided to pursuit this dream. so many people gave up so many things so that you can be here. and of all people, you know that a repay with a simple thank you is never enough. 

how does this work benefits you, personally?  no matter how many lives you safe, none of them are going to be your family or those dear to you.you'll probably too busy saving someone else's parents or child while yours are actually at home, been taken care by other people. these are the people whom you said to them ' one day my turn will come to take care of them. for now, just let me settle with this job of mine for a while'


but deep down, its just us, prolonging the inevitable, and us, not micromanaging ourselves well enough to consider those who are dear to you. as we are settling our job, our parents grew older, the friends who we grew together, fades with time.its an unfair life, but its the only life we have. so maybe instead of waiting to settle one thing then move on to another, maybe we should rethink on our priority and start to consider one thing while doing another.

i guess that is what adult is all about?

Personally, for me, Hospital work is just another day at work. no matter how busy it is, you await till the moment its over, and to go outside, and feel alive. every morning you wake up early to go to work and you already start counting what time you will come back. Just so you can do things that you want, instead of what you need. Spend time more for family, spend more time with the ones you love. spend time more for God.

This, is a late birthday post. and this time, its not for me. its for those who relentlessly put me in their prayers, and beyond to ensure that my safekeeping in my journey. and most of all, its dedicated to my one and only Opah, the person who probably scolded me more than umi does. for the sole reason of making the best out of me. a person who gave all the little things she ever had, so that we would not suffer as how she did. and most importantly, for showing me how great a mother can be. Umi is probably beyond compare. and most of it comes from you. and for that, you are, on par.
My Prayers, are with you all always. and soon, My time.

i love you
i miss you.

happy belated birthday Opah.

Al Fatihah.