Priorities,

There is no such thing as 'too busy'. people make time for things that matter, things that are important to them.

priorities.,

at a point we start to wonder, which is which? how do we compensate one for another? and at the end which one do we commit our true self to. if broken into parts, do we follow the mind, or do we follow the heart?

living for more than a quarter of a decade, you start to look back through the years. all the things that we have done and what we have achieved. The good things, and especially the mistakes we made that makes us learn; life is not as simple as it was before. and through all these hardship, surely there are those people that exist that made it bearable for you to keep on going up to today.

and today, almost through medical posting, and it couldnt get any sentimental than this. i thought i could have avoided questioning myself this non answerable question,

 seems like fate brought the question to me instead.



Are we that feeble despite having all these greatness?



back in 2015, my late Opah was diagnosed to have end stage renal failure. seems like being the only one in the family with a medical background, this forced me to explain to the rest of the family member that there was no cure for it. and throughout my final year, she spent the remaining days in Hospital Selayang, the hospital that was dedicated for my faculty's final year student. and everytime i came to visit, she'd ask me when she can go back. and for some reason i cant answer it. and she'd end the conversation with phrases like ' takpa, nnt ali dah abes jadi belajar, jadi doktor, ali boleh la sembuhkan penyakit buah pinggang ni. ' and sometimes even deeper ' takpelah ali, kalau tak sempat sembuhkan opah, nanti sembuhkan la orang lain ye,.'
and things like this,  that make you realise, how feeble you are despite the ambition that youre trying to be. you are trying your best to do good, to help people heal, but you cant even help your own family.


and in my second month of medical posting, im posted into the nephro ward for 1 month. and here i see the similar case of my late Opah, but not just one person, the whole ward. i kind of said to myself, you had the guilt for not being able to save a person because previously you were still not a doctor, but can you do a difference now that youre not a student anymore?

so often i ask, will these hand do more harm than good? knowing that screw ups are always around the corner. living life at the edge, knowing a single slip up, a second late, could cost a life, sometimes wakes you up in the middle of the night. but i tried my best to atleast, not to do harm. and along the way, i see the nature of having a terminal disease and realise its not curable, but it can be curbed and controlled, provided that there is enough care. and most of the care does not come from the medication, but the social and family support. so often those with no family support will lose hope and crumble just because there is nobody to tell them , " its okay. you can do it ".


and for us doctors, being at the latter, patients will say that its easy for us to say so because we are not at the receiving end and we have nothing to lose. and apparently due to time constraint, we dont have the luxury of time to dwell much into that matter. doctors ARE, human too.


eversince day one of life, you were raised, supported from the 1st crawling steps until the day you decided to run. and decided to pursuit this dream. so many people gave up so many things so that you can be here. and of all people, you know that a repay with a simple thank you is never enough. 

how does this work benefits you, personally?  no matter how many lives you safe, none of them are going to be your family or those dear to you.you'll probably too busy saving someone else's parents or child while yours are actually at home, been taken care by other people. these are the people whom you said to them ' one day my turn will come to take care of them. for now, just let me settle with this job of mine for a while'


but deep down, its just us, prolonging the inevitable, and us, not micromanaging ourselves well enough to consider those who are dear to you. as we are settling our job, our parents grew older, the friends who we grew together, fades with time.its an unfair life, but its the only life we have. so maybe instead of waiting to settle one thing then move on to another, maybe we should rethink on our priority and start to consider one thing while doing another.

i guess that is what adult is all about?

Personally, for me, Hospital work is just another day at work. no matter how busy it is, you await till the moment its over, and to go outside, and feel alive. every morning you wake up early to go to work and you already start counting what time you will come back. Just so you can do things that you want, instead of what you need. Spend time more for family, spend more time with the ones you love. spend time more for God.

This, is a late birthday post. and this time, its not for me. its for those who relentlessly put me in their prayers, and beyond to ensure that my safekeeping in my journey. and most of all, its dedicated to my one and only Opah, the person who probably scolded me more than umi does. for the sole reason of making the best out of me. a person who gave all the little things she ever had, so that we would not suffer as how she did. and most importantly, for showing me how great a mother can be. Umi is probably beyond compare. and most of it comes from you. and for that, you are, on par.
My Prayers, are with you all always. and soon, My time.

i love you
i miss you.

happy belated birthday Opah.

Al Fatihah.